My dear sweet Mikkie,
It takes me a while to write you most the time because I usually have too much to sort out in the short amount of free time that there seems to be.
I'm seeing more and more how true that "grief is linear". Whoever has the ridiculous expectations and/or assumptions that people should "get over" the loss of their child, or anyone for that matter, in a certain amount of time is a fool and obviously has not experienced it for themselves.
Tonight was the first in a while that Faith came up to me crying, saying she misses you. Like my heart wasn't breaking enough already, that just about split it in half. What a sweet, tender little girl. I couldn't believe the tears in her eyes; I wanted so bad to be able to tell her "don't worry, Mikkie's coming back!" I wanted so bad to be able to tell myself that.
She now connects rainbows with you, she gets so excited when she sees one. Whenever it rains she's looking for one, like today, except we didn't get one and she seemed very concerned about it. I told her maybe we'd get one tomorrow, and if so it would be especially for her.
After talking to a few people, I realized that I would be more likely to feel you near when I'm serving and helping someone. That's when I remembered the goals I made. I have slacked this past month, and didn't even report for last months, I've let myself grow lax and idle but I am going to renew my goals this coming month and am going to put forth more effort. It's not just that, there are many more things I'm determined to put forth more of an effort on including visiting teaching, personal scripture study and more meaningful prayers. If I want to grow and understand more, I can't just try getting by with mediocre performance and expect superior results. If I am expecting great things to happen, I've got expect that God is expecting me to do my best. I know my best and I've not really been showing it but am resilient enough to try again and show God my best.
I know you helped inspire me with these thoughts, Mikkie and want you to be proud of your mommy. :)
I love you so much Mikkie. I've been hurting so much lately and will probably hurt some more tomorrow, that's just a part of life now.
I feel stuck in my thoughts, so I will stop now and hopefully it will clear up soon so I can resume my random thought process.
Love,
Mama
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Unplugged
My sweet Mikkie,
Things have been so hectic lately, one thing after another. I’m grateful for Sundays, to be able to enjoy life at a slower pace for at least one day of the week. I definitely get more time to think and ponder.
The power has been out for a couple hours tonight. I think the last time it went out was right before we left for Bear Lake. Daddy and I talked about that day and how very grateful we were that the power went out. It forced us to get off our computers, tv’s and other electronics and spend some quality time with family. We did just that. Daddy and I didn’t know what to do with ourselves at first (how pathetic is that) til we came to the conclusion to ride bikes to the park and throw a Frisbee and play with you girls. It was one of the best nights; probably the last best night with you. It was good quality time with just the 4 of us, I will always remember and cherish that night.
Tonight we got to spend some quality time together as we went on a walk, put puzzles together, colored, read. It’s so much fun to be with Faith, even though I get pretty much ‘Mikkie-sick’ with almost everything we do; remembering what you used to do and what you would do if you were still here. It helps me though to hold her a little closer, hug her a little tighter and tell her I love her a little more. It’s ok to talk about you with her, I tell her how much she reminds me of you and ask her if she remembers certain things about you. We talk about it and laugh at some things that you did, you were quite the funny little girl, brought such light into our life. You girls light up my life in this dreary world.
Faith mentioned several times today how much she misses you. It’s like a stab in the heart every time. She said how you are going to play toys with her and all sorts of things when she sees you again. Like clockwork she asks if we’re going to see you again, making sure it’s still going to happen. If it’s at all possible, I think she’s most excited to see you, to be with her best friend again.
Sometimes I wish the power would go out more often and unplug us from the world, to get us away from the “blue screens” and focus on spending good quality time together. It’s these types of days that I remember most after all; they’re the most memorable.I don't know about you, but I can't believe it's been 9 months since you died. I am trying to brace myself and prepare myself for the one year mark. Wow that's going to be tough. As long as I'm not anywhere near a pool I think it might be manageable.
You, sweet little baby, are greatly missed and greatly loved. I have this incredible urge to hold you in my arms and hug you tight. Will you give me one instead? I love my Mikkie hugs so very much.
Hugs and Kisses,
Mama
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Angels
Dear sweet Mikkie,
What a bittersweet day; roller coaster of emotions. Daddy and I had a really good cry together as we watched home videos of you. I miss you and ache for you so very much. Then I think how blessed I am that we still have Faith. You are my heavenly angel while she is my earthly angel, I love you both beyond comprehension and count myself extremely honored and blessed to be your mom.
Four years ago I became a mommy, and 20 months after that I became a mommy twice, I thought I was going to explode with happiness. It was happy with one child, but two....it just became magnified. I've never felt happier.
God sends us angels to help us, some are in heaven (like you) and some are on earth. Along with you two, there's another angel who's been there for me all my life, always, constantly there comforting, serving, listening, everything that an angel does. My mom is that angel and still to this day dries my tears, hugs my fears away, talks some sense into me, and hears things I don't say. She is truly a blessing in my life... I know I've quoted this several times, but I can't help but reiterate "Everything I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." My wish is to be that kind of mom. I for sure got the better end of the deal. You and Faith are my life. With part of my life gone, I'm hanging on by faith.....literally.
I just read an uplifting article about the Influence of Mother's. What jumped out at me most was:
My heart has been extra sensitive this week, as you've weighed heavily on it. How grateful I am for the angels in my life; seen or unseen I feel their impact. You are especially the sweetest angel I could have asked for.
Love always,
Mama
What a bittersweet day; roller coaster of emotions. Daddy and I had a really good cry together as we watched home videos of you. I miss you and ache for you so very much. Then I think how blessed I am that we still have Faith. You are my heavenly angel while she is my earthly angel, I love you both beyond comprehension and count myself extremely honored and blessed to be your mom.
Four years ago I became a mommy, and 20 months after that I became a mommy twice, I thought I was going to explode with happiness. It was happy with one child, but two....it just became magnified. I've never felt happier.
God sends us angels to help us, some are in heaven (like you) and some are on earth. Along with you two, there's another angel who's been there for me all my life, always, constantly there comforting, serving, listening, everything that an angel does. My mom is that angel and still to this day dries my tears, hugs my fears away, talks some sense into me, and hears things I don't say. She is truly a blessing in my life... I know I've quoted this several times, but I can't help but reiterate "Everything I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." My wish is to be that kind of mom. I for sure got the better end of the deal. You and Faith are my life. With part of my life gone, I'm hanging on by faith.....literally.
I just read an uplifting article about the Influence of Mother's. What jumped out at me most was:
"Mothers have more influence than they realize. Women are the leaders of leaders. Who has more influence on a man than his wife? Or on children than their mother? The word that best describes leadership by a woman is mother. Is there any influence more enduring than a mother's shepherding of her children along the path towards exaltation?"
I hope to be that kind of influence as my mom has been on me, the one who can correct without criticism, teach without guile, encourage without pretense and love without compromise.My heart has been extra sensitive this week, as you've weighed heavily on it. How grateful I am for the angels in my life; seen or unseen I feel their impact. You are especially the sweetest angel I could have asked for.
Love always,
Mama
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Rainbow
My dear Mikkie,
Every time I see a rainbow across the sky, it gives me hope to move forward for another day.
Remember those words from my poem? Well, I just saw the most beautiful rainbow just last week and couldn't help but think you made it just for me. It's the first one I've seen since that one back in Septemberish. It was the brightest, longest one I've seen and it was right up close, so cool.
I was just thinking today about how great I've been feeling this past week, and thought just maybe that rainbow really did give me the hope to move forward. This has been one of the best weeks in so long. I've never gone this long just feeling at peace and feeling happy; it's been great in so many ways, but most of all because I've felt the spirit more. Maybe it's the amazing books I've been reading (which I want to discuss with you later!), and just becoming more educated on death and the afterlife. I've had a lot of great conversations with different people about things and I just feel that what we've read is true! I've had a great testimony building experience this week that confirmed to me, once again, that God IS real. He IS there, He lives! He is very mindful of us and what we're going through. It was such a relief, because even though I've never stopped believing, it was nice to feel it!
There was a sad thing that did happen this week though, it didn't take from my peace, but still brought me back to the memory of the aching. A toddler had drowned in the lake and I just cried and ached for that family. I feel an incredible desire to help this poor, grieving family and be a support to them. I want to give back what was so generously done for us. I pray for the comfort of this family, that they will feel God's love.
What an interesting life! It's going past awful fast. It's already been 8 months since you left, it boggles my mind.
I love you so much! And if you did have a part in that rainbow.... thank you! I truly am grateful for it and the message it gave me.
Love me,
Mama
Every time I see a rainbow across the sky, it gives me hope to move forward for another day.
Remember those words from my poem? Well, I just saw the most beautiful rainbow just last week and couldn't help but think you made it just for me. It's the first one I've seen since that one back in Septemberish. It was the brightest, longest one I've seen and it was right up close, so cool.
I was just thinking today about how great I've been feeling this past week, and thought just maybe that rainbow really did give me the hope to move forward. This has been one of the best weeks in so long. I've never gone this long just feeling at peace and feeling happy; it's been great in so many ways, but most of all because I've felt the spirit more. Maybe it's the amazing books I've been reading (which I want to discuss with you later!), and just becoming more educated on death and the afterlife. I've had a lot of great conversations with different people about things and I just feel that what we've read is true! I've had a great testimony building experience this week that confirmed to me, once again, that God IS real. He IS there, He lives! He is very mindful of us and what we're going through. It was such a relief, because even though I've never stopped believing, it was nice to feel it!
There was a sad thing that did happen this week though, it didn't take from my peace, but still brought me back to the memory of the aching. A toddler had drowned in the lake and I just cried and ached for that family. I feel an incredible desire to help this poor, grieving family and be a support to them. I want to give back what was so generously done for us. I pray for the comfort of this family, that they will feel God's love.
What an interesting life! It's going past awful fast. It's already been 8 months since you left, it boggles my mind.
I love you so much! And if you did have a part in that rainbow.... thank you! I truly am grateful for it and the message it gave me.
Love me,
Mama
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Who nose!
Dear Mikkie,
As I was going through pictures one day, I looked at some older ones of Faith and saw one where she had her finger up her nose. I immediately recognized this pose, as you had done the same one just a year or so ago. I went to find it and put them side by side and it totally made my day. I actually laughed instead of crying at one of your pictures.
The exact same spot, the same hand, same finger.... you get the picture. (no pun intended) I just thought it was too funny to pass up showing you. I hope it made you smile too.
I love you sweet, sweet baby of mine! Thanks for giving me so memories to laugh and smile about.
Love me,
Mama
As I was going through pictures one day, I looked at some older ones of Faith and saw one where she had her finger up her nose. I immediately recognized this pose, as you had done the same one just a year or so ago. I went to find it and put them side by side and it totally made my day. I actually laughed instead of crying at one of your pictures.
The exact same spot, the same hand, same finger.... you get the picture. (no pun intended) I just thought it was too funny to pass up showing you. I hope it made you smile too.I love you sweet, sweet baby of mine! Thanks for giving me so memories to laugh and smile about.
Love me,
Mama
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Service goal #2
My sweet Mikkie,
Usually you don't have to look very far for someone to serve, there's usually someone in your own family or extended that needs help. Last month I focused on serving my family, starting with your daddy and Faith, I don't think I serve them as much as I should. Along with that we were able to serve others in the family, including going down to Arizona to see my grandparents and help my Uncle Dennis.
I'm so glad we decided to go when we did, because it would have been too late had we waited for our original date. We found out 2 days ago that Dennis died. It was a bitter sweet thing, when I heard he was having troubles, I had a gut feeling he wasn't going to make it, but I still hoped he would be ok. When it was confirmed he didn't make it, it's like my emotions linked the similar circumstances with you and I sobbed and sobbed. I was crying because of those feelings being brought up, and how much I miss you, and I am going to miss Dennis and also because I was so happy for him!
He had been handicapped almost his whole life, never married and had struggles all along the way yet he remained faithful and positive! I could just see him in my mind, walking for the first time in a very long time, feeling great, no more pain and being with my sweet baby girl. Yes, the sobs came again. I asked him to give you a big hug and kiss for me. I don't know if he heard me, but will you give him a big hug for me and tell him he is my hero? He truly is one of my biggest heroes, he has left me with some of the greatest memories and examples of patience and endurance. I had some great times with him. Tell him to be ready when I get there, because I challenge him to another thumb war. :) I was feeling badly that he didn't get to meet you, little did I know he would get to see you sooner than expected. He was so good with kids, I bet you two are getting along famously.
I can't help but feel something big is coming soon, with all these deaths and everything that's gone on. Maybe not.
Family means so much to me, I'm so blessed to not just have amazing immediate family, but extended and in-laws also. Family is where it's at, they are the most constant.
I must admit at first I felt a little jealous that Dennis is with you, but I'm so grateful for every breath I take and am able to be here with loved ones. There's not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for blessing me to be here with them, and them with me. Dennis is just one more proof to me that life is ever so fragile and short and we must make sure we are prepared at all times. I pray I may be ready to meet my Maker when the time comes. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to make it back to you, Mikkie. You can bet I am trying to do my best.
I love you sweet Angel!
Love me always,
Mama
Usually you don't have to look very far for someone to serve, there's usually someone in your own family or extended that needs help. Last month I focused on serving my family, starting with your daddy and Faith, I don't think I serve them as much as I should. Along with that we were able to serve others in the family, including going down to Arizona to see my grandparents and help my Uncle Dennis.
I'm so glad we decided to go when we did, because it would have been too late had we waited for our original date. We found out 2 days ago that Dennis died. It was a bitter sweet thing, when I heard he was having troubles, I had a gut feeling he wasn't going to make it, but I still hoped he would be ok. When it was confirmed he didn't make it, it's like my emotions linked the similar circumstances with you and I sobbed and sobbed. I was crying because of those feelings being brought up, and how much I miss you, and I am going to miss Dennis and also because I was so happy for him!
He had been handicapped almost his whole life, never married and had struggles all along the way yet he remained faithful and positive! I could just see him in my mind, walking for the first time in a very long time, feeling great, no more pain and being with my sweet baby girl. Yes, the sobs came again. I asked him to give you a big hug and kiss for me. I don't know if he heard me, but will you give him a big hug for me and tell him he is my hero? He truly is one of my biggest heroes, he has left me with some of the greatest memories and examples of patience and endurance. I had some great times with him. Tell him to be ready when I get there, because I challenge him to another thumb war. :) I was feeling badly that he didn't get to meet you, little did I know he would get to see you sooner than expected. He was so good with kids, I bet you two are getting along famously.
I can't help but feel something big is coming soon, with all these deaths and everything that's gone on. Maybe not.
Family means so much to me, I'm so blessed to not just have amazing immediate family, but extended and in-laws also. Family is where it's at, they are the most constant.
I must admit at first I felt a little jealous that Dennis is with you, but I'm so grateful for every breath I take and am able to be here with loved ones. There's not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for blessing me to be here with them, and them with me. Dennis is just one more proof to me that life is ever so fragile and short and we must make sure we are prepared at all times. I pray I may be ready to meet my Maker when the time comes. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to make it back to you, Mikkie. You can bet I am trying to do my best.
I love you sweet Angel!
Love me always,
Mama
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Gone
Dearest Mikayla,
Daddy, me, Grandpa and Grandma just got back from a week long cruise 2 days ago. It was the very first time I've left Faith and it was hard for me. I missed her so much! I was so focused on how much I would miss her that I didn't take time to think how it would affect her being away from us, seeing as she has very little concept of time. She was in good hands but still didn't make it easy I'm sure, not knowing when or if her mommy and daddy were coming back. It broke my heart when I heard of the things she said, I felt like such an awful mom for leaving her and not thinking about how it might affect her. I didn't realize she would react like she did.
I was so very excited to see her! Even though my legs hurt very badly from my sunburn, I ignored the pain and ran in to see her and almost cried, I was so happy to see her. The surprised look on her face told me that she probably wasn't sure if we were actually coming back. I gave her a big hug and said 'I told you we'd come back to get you!' to which she hurriedly replied, " You brought Mikkie back?!" How deeply my heart sunk after that. Trying not to cry I told her, "no, she's still with Jesus, Faith, but mommy and daddy are back!" I explained to her that we were just on vacation and where we went and showed her pictures. I hope she understands a little more now. Poor sweet, sweet girl. I can't leave her anymore, I just can't do it.
Aside from missing Faith like crazy, the trip was fun and invigorating. It was nice to have a change of pace and scenery. I had always turned down cruises before because of my extreme fear of the ocean. Something inside me changed when you died, Mikkie. Compared to traumatically losing my baby angel girl, this fear was nothing. I told myself it would not be as bad as I make it out to be. And it wasn't. It was beautiful. I'm glad I went and faced that fear. There is, however, a difference between fear and trauma... I have fear of water, but the fear has turned into more of a traumatization? I don't know what to call it or how to explain it. I was fine being on water, yet I did not, could not, go near the pool on that boat the whole trip. The scent and scene of it all stirred up images and emotions from that day and I just had to get away.
Like daddy said, how we wish we could just go pick you up, if only it worked that way, there would be no distance too great, no price too high if we could just come and get you. It makes complete sense to a little child, I could see how it would totally be plausible in her mind. She always asks, like she's making sure the answer is still the same, "we're going to see her again?!" More of an exclamation instead of a question.
Though we feel peace, daddy and I cried over you again, it's almost become a weekly ritual. We both explained how we feel we don't want to let go of the hurt because that would be like letting you go. That's probably wrong thinking, but we're content in our ignorance for now. It's so fun to reminisce with daddy about all the little things we love about you and the cute little things you used to do. I think that helps make you feel more real to us, so the memories don't fade as much.
Thinking of you always, my angel.
Love,
Mama
Daddy, me, Grandpa and Grandma just got back from a week long cruise 2 days ago. It was the very first time I've left Faith and it was hard for me. I missed her so much! I was so focused on how much I would miss her that I didn't take time to think how it would affect her being away from us, seeing as she has very little concept of time. She was in good hands but still didn't make it easy I'm sure, not knowing when or if her mommy and daddy were coming back. It broke my heart when I heard of the things she said, I felt like such an awful mom for leaving her and not thinking about how it might affect her. I didn't realize she would react like she did.
I was so very excited to see her! Even though my legs hurt very badly from my sunburn, I ignored the pain and ran in to see her and almost cried, I was so happy to see her. The surprised look on her face told me that she probably wasn't sure if we were actually coming back. I gave her a big hug and said 'I told you we'd come back to get you!' to which she hurriedly replied, " You brought Mikkie back?!" How deeply my heart sunk after that. Trying not to cry I told her, "no, she's still with Jesus, Faith, but mommy and daddy are back!" I explained to her that we were just on vacation and where we went and showed her pictures. I hope she understands a little more now. Poor sweet, sweet girl. I can't leave her anymore, I just can't do it.
Aside from missing Faith like crazy, the trip was fun and invigorating. It was nice to have a change of pace and scenery. I had always turned down cruises before because of my extreme fear of the ocean. Something inside me changed when you died, Mikkie. Compared to traumatically losing my baby angel girl, this fear was nothing. I told myself it would not be as bad as I make it out to be. And it wasn't. It was beautiful. I'm glad I went and faced that fear. There is, however, a difference between fear and trauma... I have fear of water, but the fear has turned into more of a traumatization? I don't know what to call it or how to explain it. I was fine being on water, yet I did not, could not, go near the pool on that boat the whole trip. The scent and scene of it all stirred up images and emotions from that day and I just had to get away.
Like daddy said, how we wish we could just go pick you up, if only it worked that way, there would be no distance too great, no price too high if we could just come and get you. It makes complete sense to a little child, I could see how it would totally be plausible in her mind. She always asks, like she's making sure the answer is still the same, "we're going to see her again?!" More of an exclamation instead of a question.
Though we feel peace, daddy and I cried over you again, it's almost become a weekly ritual. We both explained how we feel we don't want to let go of the hurt because that would be like letting you go. That's probably wrong thinking, but we're content in our ignorance for now. It's so fun to reminisce with daddy about all the little things we love about you and the cute little things you used to do. I think that helps make you feel more real to us, so the memories don't fade as much.
Thinking of you always, my angel.
Love,
Mama
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Faith's birthday
Dear Mikkie,
It's been a better week. I've been wanting to talk to you about Faith's birthday. I know it was a few weeks ago.
Faith had fun at her party and I had so much fun throwing it for her. Everywhere I looked though, memories of her birthday last year flooded my mind. I could hear the pitter patter of your tiny feet running around, you carrying giant lollipops, smiling and giggling with all those people around. With all the rush of getting things ready for the party, I didn't have time to do your hair. It's fun to see it messy sometimes though, no matter what you always looked so cute!
You can see with all these precious memories of you and knowing that just last year Faithy was running around with her best friend having the best birthday, you can see why I just broke down after the party. It was what started everything. I had to focus on the party and be happy for Faith, so I contained my tears, but that can only last so long. Not good to hold things in, I end up exploding later.
I know Faith misses you as much as I do, she is just stronger and probably feels you a lot more than me. I'm so glad I was able to stay home not just so I could be with you, but so Faith could be with you and get to know you more.
I think of you always, my sweet Mikayla.
Love,
Mama
It's been a better week. I've been wanting to talk to you about Faith's birthday. I know it was a few weeks ago.
Faith had fun at her party and I had so much fun throwing it for her. Everywhere I looked though, memories of her birthday last year flooded my mind. I could hear the pitter patter of your tiny feet running around, you carrying giant lollipops, smiling and giggling with all those people around. With all the rush of getting things ready for the party, I didn't have time to do your hair. It's fun to see it messy sometimes though, no matter what you always looked so cute!
You can see with all these precious memories of you and knowing that just last year Faithy was running around with her best friend having the best birthday, you can see why I just broke down after the party. It was what started everything. I had to focus on the party and be happy for Faith, so I contained my tears, but that can only last so long. Not good to hold things in, I end up exploding later.I know Faith misses you as much as I do, she is just stronger and probably feels you a lot more than me. I'm so glad I was able to stay home not just so I could be with you, but so Faith could be with you and get to know you more.
I think of you always, my sweet Mikayla.
Love,
Mama
Sunday, March 20, 2011
One step forward, two steps back
My sweet Mikkie,
There are a whole lot of things on my mind, a whole lot of emotions in my heart. I can see more and more every day that grief is not linear. I cannot expect myself to get better and better each week. It's more like one step forward two steps back.
I came home from church today not feeling particularly happy. Faith and I were sitting there eating our lunch and she looked at me and said, "I love you mommy." I perked up a little at that and then she said with a sad face, "I miss Mikkie." She is a very intuitive girl, she knows what I'm feeling, she knows what's going on. Even though that's not the only source of my pain, she can sense it. With a sweet hug from her and her hand on my face telling me she loves me, for a split second it seemed all was right with the world. I want to just hug and hold her all day, because I love her so much and because I feel I'm hugging you as well. I miss holding my baby girl in my arms when you would sit in my lap and cuddle.
I feel much pain most the time when I'm around others who remind me of you. Anyone who is around your age, who looks like you, does similar things as you, etc. I may seem fine on the outside, but inside I'm screaming WHY! Why can they be happy with their babies and not ME! What did I do wrong! The answer of course is nothing, at least that's what I keep trying to tell myself. I still bounce back and forth every week with feelings of guilt, shame, anger, depression, confusion, surreal, apathy, pain and so much more that I can't even describe.
I'm sure people get tired of hearing that I'm having a hard day again, but, well, it's reality and I need them to have a lot of patience with me. I feel more times than not that I have to put up a happy front for everyone so I don't put a damper on things. Sometimes I feel it's as if they have forgotten the reason why I feel this way and they expect me to be 'better' by now. It's not like I'm depressed all the time, but there are times where I just don't feel like being cheered up, you know? And hearing the question "What's wrong?" almost infuriates me. Faith was a prime example today of how to deal with me...to hear that she loves me, she misses you, Mikkie (validating how I feel) and a big hug. oooh Mikkie, this is definitely THE toughest thing I've ever experienced and I wish I could help people see and truly understand, but the only way for that to happen is for them to experience it themselves. I would never wish that on anyone.
I put up a "shrine" of sorts on our wall a while ago and I look at it everyday. It's different just looking at it and touching it. Today I sat by it, took one of your sandals, gently held it in my hands, and immediately started to ache and sob. I still can't bring myself to look at pictures of your small, lifeless body or think of anything that's remotely close to that day. I feel sick to my stomach and start to feel helpless and guilty all over again. It's better to just repress some of those details until I'm ready to face them again.
I hope I don't make you too sad when I feel this way. I really can't help it. I think you would have more understanding about how I feel than I do. I love you so much, my little twinkle star. I like what it said in this book I read today, "He does not take the pain away- to do that He would have had to take the love away I had for you, and that wasn't possible. Instead He wraps His arms around me and stays with me while I grieve for my baby." I would much rather deal with this pain than having it taken away along with my love for you. That would be unbearable.
Love always,
Mama
There are a whole lot of things on my mind, a whole lot of emotions in my heart. I can see more and more every day that grief is not linear. I cannot expect myself to get better and better each week. It's more like one step forward two steps back.
I came home from church today not feeling particularly happy. Faith and I were sitting there eating our lunch and she looked at me and said, "I love you mommy." I perked up a little at that and then she said with a sad face, "I miss Mikkie." She is a very intuitive girl, she knows what I'm feeling, she knows what's going on. Even though that's not the only source of my pain, she can sense it. With a sweet hug from her and her hand on my face telling me she loves me, for a split second it seemed all was right with the world. I want to just hug and hold her all day, because I love her so much and because I feel I'm hugging you as well. I miss holding my baby girl in my arms when you would sit in my lap and cuddle.
I feel much pain most the time when I'm around others who remind me of you. Anyone who is around your age, who looks like you, does similar things as you, etc. I may seem fine on the outside, but inside I'm screaming WHY! Why can they be happy with their babies and not ME! What did I do wrong! The answer of course is nothing, at least that's what I keep trying to tell myself. I still bounce back and forth every week with feelings of guilt, shame, anger, depression, confusion, surreal, apathy, pain and so much more that I can't even describe.
I'm sure people get tired of hearing that I'm having a hard day again, but, well, it's reality and I need them to have a lot of patience with me. I feel more times than not that I have to put up a happy front for everyone so I don't put a damper on things. Sometimes I feel it's as if they have forgotten the reason why I feel this way and they expect me to be 'better' by now. It's not like I'm depressed all the time, but there are times where I just don't feel like being cheered up, you know? And hearing the question "What's wrong?" almost infuriates me. Faith was a prime example today of how to deal with me...to hear that she loves me, she misses you, Mikkie (validating how I feel) and a big hug. oooh Mikkie, this is definitely THE toughest thing I've ever experienced and I wish I could help people see and truly understand, but the only way for that to happen is for them to experience it themselves. I would never wish that on anyone.
I put up a "shrine" of sorts on our wall a while ago and I look at it everyday. It's different just looking at it and touching it. Today I sat by it, took one of your sandals, gently held it in my hands, and immediately started to ache and sob. I still can't bring myself to look at pictures of your small, lifeless body or think of anything that's remotely close to that day. I feel sick to my stomach and start to feel helpless and guilty all over again. It's better to just repress some of those details until I'm ready to face them again.
I hope I don't make you too sad when I feel this way. I really can't help it. I think you would have more understanding about how I feel than I do. I love you so much, my little twinkle star. I like what it said in this book I read today, "He does not take the pain away- to do that He would have had to take the love away I had for you, and that wasn't possible. Instead He wraps His arms around me and stays with me while I grieve for my baby." I would much rather deal with this pain than having it taken away along with my love for you. That would be unbearable.
Love always,
Mama
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Service goal #1
Dear Mikkie,
This year for my goals I decided to make each month focused on service, which I promised you on your birthday that I would work on. I wanted to record my progress, experiences, etc here for you to see.
My determination and motivation for things have seemed to weaken over these past several months. I force myself anyways to work on goals. I think focusing on this goal in particular will help me deal better with my grief and put it to work for good.
January was more of a recovering-from-holidays month, it was quite depressing and painful. So better late than never, I started my first goal in February. My goal for that month was to check-in with at least one person each day. I didn't do too bad, didn't do real great, but didn't do too bad. The important thing wasn't for me to do it everyday, but to help me focus on others and not dwell on my pain and troubles. It helped me remember that I'm not the only one going through tough times. You don't even have to be going through tough times, everyone likes to be remembered, I think it's important to let people know you're thinking of them. I've personally experienced that over the past while, there has been an incredible amount of people outpouring their sympathies and love and it's been so comforting to me. I want to make others feel the same.
I hope I can be more into this month's goal and put more effort into it. I love doing things for other people, I always have, it's just not so easy to find motivation when half my heart is missing.
I love you sweet girl.
Love,
Mama
This year for my goals I decided to make each month focused on service, which I promised you on your birthday that I would work on. I wanted to record my progress, experiences, etc here for you to see.
My determination and motivation for things have seemed to weaken over these past several months. I force myself anyways to work on goals. I think focusing on this goal in particular will help me deal better with my grief and put it to work for good.
January was more of a recovering-from-holidays month, it was quite depressing and painful. So better late than never, I started my first goal in February. My goal for that month was to check-in with at least one person each day. I didn't do too bad, didn't do real great, but didn't do too bad. The important thing wasn't for me to do it everyday, but to help me focus on others and not dwell on my pain and troubles. It helped me remember that I'm not the only one going through tough times. You don't even have to be going through tough times, everyone likes to be remembered, I think it's important to let people know you're thinking of them. I've personally experienced that over the past while, there has been an incredible amount of people outpouring their sympathies and love and it's been so comforting to me. I want to make others feel the same.
I hope I can be more into this month's goal and put more effort into it. I love doing things for other people, I always have, it's just not so easy to find motivation when half my heart is missing.
I love you sweet girl.
Love,
Mama
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Endure
Dear Mikkie,
I don't really know how to start this letter. It's been a few weeks, tough ones at that. My emotions have been all over the place from one extreme to the other that I think I've come to a point where I'm emotionally numb. I hardly feel anything. Problem after problem, I feel like my nervous system is shutting down. Or maybe I'm just refusing to let myself feel anything.
This past week I went down to Arizona with Gramma and Tammy to help my Uncle in the hospital. My mom and I sat in on one of his physical therapy treatments and I learned a lot just from that short amount of time. When the doctor told him it's going to take quite a bit of work and it may be a while until he's released, his reply touched me. He said "I'm going to do my part. You know that I'll do whatever it takes, right?" To which the doctor said, "That's what will make this work is your positive attitude." Then watching him struggle to make a simple movement reaching one arm across the other side and moving his toes, I could see the determination in his face; a motivation that seemed foreign to me. When the doctor asked about his condition, he explained when he had his accident many years ago, the doctors told him he'd never be able to walk or talk again. He proudly exclaimed, "I proved them wrong." With a conviction that led me to believe he would be back to "normal" again or maybe even better and stronger in no time at all. In all the years I've known him and spent time with him, I've never seen him complain or be negative. Quite the opposite, he's always been a jokester and a tease, always making people laugh. Even with all that he's been dealt, he keeps his head up high. Even now as he struggles in the hospital, he sincerely thanks everyone for what they are doing for him and cracks jokes bringing smiles to everyone's faces, and I believe making them all better people just from meeting him. He is one great example of enduring. He is my hero, right next to my dad and mom.
I sit back and think of all that I've been through and still go through and realize I am not enduring. Yes, a lot of crappy and miserable things have happened and still are that just make me want to give up, and I've come so close many times, but then I think of you, my sweet baby girl, and suddenly I can't think of any other option but to move forward. I need to do my part, show God that I'm willing to endure and He will do His part to help strengthen me and lighten my load leaving me feel as if it's been removed.
D&C 14:7 "And, if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God."
It's my prayer that I will endure through it all, having a better attitude with more gratitude and less complaining.
I love you Mikkie.
Love,
Mama
I don't really know how to start this letter. It's been a few weeks, tough ones at that. My emotions have been all over the place from one extreme to the other that I think I've come to a point where I'm emotionally numb. I hardly feel anything. Problem after problem, I feel like my nervous system is shutting down. Or maybe I'm just refusing to let myself feel anything.
This past week I went down to Arizona with Gramma and Tammy to help my Uncle in the hospital. My mom and I sat in on one of his physical therapy treatments and I learned a lot just from that short amount of time. When the doctor told him it's going to take quite a bit of work and it may be a while until he's released, his reply touched me. He said "I'm going to do my part. You know that I'll do whatever it takes, right?" To which the doctor said, "That's what will make this work is your positive attitude." Then watching him struggle to make a simple movement reaching one arm across the other side and moving his toes, I could see the determination in his face; a motivation that seemed foreign to me. When the doctor asked about his condition, he explained when he had his accident many years ago, the doctors told him he'd never be able to walk or talk again. He proudly exclaimed, "I proved them wrong." With a conviction that led me to believe he would be back to "normal" again or maybe even better and stronger in no time at all. In all the years I've known him and spent time with him, I've never seen him complain or be negative. Quite the opposite, he's always been a jokester and a tease, always making people laugh. Even with all that he's been dealt, he keeps his head up high. Even now as he struggles in the hospital, he sincerely thanks everyone for what they are doing for him and cracks jokes bringing smiles to everyone's faces, and I believe making them all better people just from meeting him. He is one great example of enduring. He is my hero, right next to my dad and mom.
I sit back and think of all that I've been through and still go through and realize I am not enduring. Yes, a lot of crappy and miserable things have happened and still are that just make me want to give up, and I've come so close many times, but then I think of you, my sweet baby girl, and suddenly I can't think of any other option but to move forward. I need to do my part, show God that I'm willing to endure and He will do His part to help strengthen me and lighten my load leaving me feel as if it's been removed.
D&C 14:7 "And, if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God."
It's my prayer that I will endure through it all, having a better attitude with more gratitude and less complaining.
I love you Mikkie.
Love,
Mama
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentines
Dear Mikayla,
I remember a year ago from today we had a babysitter watching you while daddy and I went dancing. We got called early because you were sick. We came home to see you in your hottest pajamas, wrapped up in a warm blanket, laying alone on the couch and you were extremely hot all over. You looked limp, but nothing like the lifeless limp Itry to forget remember a few months later. I remember how alarmed I was and glad that we came back when we did. I remember you laying in my arms while I brushed a cold cloth over your face without a fuss from you. I remember sitting by your side, patting your cute little bum, waiting for you to fall asleep. If I stopped any earlier, your head would pop up as if to say "did I tell you you could go?" I'm grateful for times like that, not of you being sick (which seemed quite frequent) but for those times which helped me slow down and take in the moments. I sure look back on them with more fondness now than I did at the time. A year later, here we are doing almost the same thing with Faith. What is it about Valentines and being sick?
Daddy gave me the sweetest gift this year. Remember that song he composed for me and played on Christmas day 2009? He finally recorded it for me and also made it into sheet music! It touched me. He's such a romantic sweetheart. He has a great gift and is very talented. It's one thing to compose fun music, it's another to make some that touches others, that's what this song does to me.I thought I'd share the song with you so you can listen whenever you want. Maybe it will help you think of me and daddy. We love you so very much, Mikkie. I want you to know that you are one incredibly special little girl and how loved you are by so many. Before you were born, I was afraid I wouldn't love you as much as I did Faith, but the minute you were born my heart grew a few sizes bigger and I just had even more room to love. I will always continue to love you with all my heart and then some. I just can't say enough how honored I am to be your mother.
Here's my song from daddy, called "New Life"
Tim Harper - New Life by timcharper
I'm thinking of you today sweet girl.
Love me,
Mama
I remember a year ago from today we had a babysitter watching you while daddy and I went dancing. We got called early because you were sick. We came home to see you in your hottest pajamas, wrapped up in a warm blanket, laying alone on the couch and you were extremely hot all over. You looked limp, but nothing like the lifeless limp I
Daddy gave me the sweetest gift this year. Remember that song he composed for me and played on Christmas day 2009? He finally recorded it for me and also made it into sheet music! It touched me. He's such a romantic sweetheart. He has a great gift and is very talented. It's one thing to compose fun music, it's another to make some that touches others, that's what this song does to me.I thought I'd share the song with you so you can listen whenever you want. Maybe it will help you think of me and daddy. We love you so very much, Mikkie. I want you to know that you are one incredibly special little girl and how loved you are by so many. Before you were born, I was afraid I wouldn't love you as much as I did Faith, but the minute you were born my heart grew a few sizes bigger and I just had even more room to love. I will always continue to love you with all my heart and then some. I just can't say enough how honored I am to be your mother.
Here's my song from daddy, called "New Life"
Tim Harper - New Life by timcharper
I'm thinking of you today sweet girl.
Love me,
Mama
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Sacrifice
Sweet baby Mikayla,
I went to your grave the other day and once again felt bad for not making your spot more festive looking (leave it to me to feel like that, huh :), so I got a few things to put up and as I was looking around I noticed how untouched every grave looked. I know it had just snowed a few days before, but still, I wanted to make your grave look like it's been visited, so I made a snow angel right over you and wrote love notes in the snow. :) I hope you like them.
We've spent many hours this past week thinking of and remembering you. We watched family videos of you, shared memories with each other, singing songs that remind us of you, visiting your grave, making us laugh and cry just about every day.
Grief is an interesting thing and feels a little complex sometimes. It's unexpected. I can be totally fine one minute, looking at pictures of you or talking about you, not feeling the slightest tendency to cry, when the next minute the smallest thing sets me off. That's happened quite a bit these past 2 weeks. I can't control it, so I just let myself. Like my counselor said, "be patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel at the moment. If you're angry, be angry, if you're sad, be sad, if you're happy be happy." For a few days my sadness turned into anxiety, having fear of losing more loved ones, your daddy and Faith in particular, and that anxiety turned into anger, once again. Feeling like you have no control over something just frustrates me to the max.
Mikkie, I've come to see something. It dawned on me when I heard my counselor say a while ago, " People used to offer up their animals as sacrifice. What God wants from us now as a sacrifice is a broken heart and contrite spirit. He wants us to give up our pride and be humble. After realizing that, which probably seems like a no-brainer to others, I knew that all these fears, worries, anxieties, frustrations I had and the pride that came with it, I needed to let go of. My sacrifice to God was humbling myself before Him, coming unto Him with a broken heart and letting Him take away my pride. It's not an easy thing to do (although I sure do feel better after) and it's not just a one time thing. I wish I could learn my lesson after one time. Us humans make mistakes over and over and over again. The important thing is that we repent and continue to turn to Him.
Daddy mentioned something to me that once again is not anything new, but it's like a light bulb turned on and in this new light we could see more clearly. God does not take away our trials, He doesn't remove the load off our backs, He strengthens us so they become light. So for me to pray for Him to just make this all stop and go away, I'm asking for the wrong thing and I'm missing the point. My trials have and are continually molding me into a better person.
I feel I've become emotionally messed-up, I can't predict when I'm going to burst into laughter, tears, anger or whatever else. It's quite the process.
I love you sweet, sweet angel baby!
Love me,
Mama
I went to your grave the other day and once again felt bad for not making your spot more festive looking (leave it to me to feel like that, huh :), so I got a few things to put up and as I was looking around I noticed how untouched every grave looked. I know it had just snowed a few days before, but still, I wanted to make your grave look like it's been visited, so I made a snow angel right over you and wrote love notes in the snow. :) I hope you like them.
We've spent many hours this past week thinking of and remembering you. We watched family videos of you, shared memories with each other, singing songs that remind us of you, visiting your grave, making us laugh and cry just about every day.
Grief is an interesting thing and feels a little complex sometimes. It's unexpected. I can be totally fine one minute, looking at pictures of you or talking about you, not feeling the slightest tendency to cry, when the next minute the smallest thing sets me off. That's happened quite a bit these past 2 weeks. I can't control it, so I just let myself. Like my counselor said, "be patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel at the moment. If you're angry, be angry, if you're sad, be sad, if you're happy be happy." For a few days my sadness turned into anxiety, having fear of losing more loved ones, your daddy and Faith in particular, and that anxiety turned into anger, once again. Feeling like you have no control over something just frustrates me to the max.
Mikkie, I've come to see something. It dawned on me when I heard my counselor say a while ago, " People used to offer up their animals as sacrifice. What God wants from us now as a sacrifice is a broken heart and contrite spirit. He wants us to give up our pride and be humble. After realizing that, which probably seems like a no-brainer to others, I knew that all these fears, worries, anxieties, frustrations I had and the pride that came with it, I needed to let go of. My sacrifice to God was humbling myself before Him, coming unto Him with a broken heart and letting Him take away my pride. It's not an easy thing to do (although I sure do feel better after) and it's not just a one time thing. I wish I could learn my lesson after one time. Us humans make mistakes over and over and over again. The important thing is that we repent and continue to turn to Him.
Daddy mentioned something to me that once again is not anything new, but it's like a light bulb turned on and in this new light we could see more clearly. God does not take away our trials, He doesn't remove the load off our backs, He strengthens us so they become light. So for me to pray for Him to just make this all stop and go away, I'm asking for the wrong thing and I'm missing the point. My trials have and are continually molding me into a better person.
I feel I've become emotionally messed-up, I can't predict when I'm going to burst into laughter, tears, anger or whatever else. It's quite the process.
I love you sweet, sweet angel baby!
Love me,
Mama
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Imperative duty
Dear Mikkie,
It's been far too long.
Our neighbor's dad just died recently and daddy and I completely felt their pain. When I saw the look in his freshly grief-stricken face, my mind reeled back to the awful day we got the same gut-wrenching news... they didn't make it. We truly could mourn with them, daddy and I cried that morning. No one can ever fully understand unless they themselves experience the same thing. It was interesting though, when I went over to say something all I could say was "I'm so sorry". You would think I'd have a little more knowledge of what to say, but I was at a loss for words. All I really wanted to do was cry, to know that someone else is experiencing the same pain we are just made me feel truly sympathetic. I may not have known exactly what to say, but I did know, however, what not to say. I'm keeping a list of things people say that make me cringe, and make sure to never repeat them to others who grieve. I know they mean well, they just don't know what to say! More often than not, a hug and a listening ear is all a person needs.
You'd be proud of me, it's been almost a whole month since I've last been depressed. I tell you, there is nothing as powerful as a priesthood blessing. Don't confuse that with not being sad though. There have been plenty of times where I still bawl myself to sleep, but it has not led to utter despair and self-hatred. I think it's safe to say I am crying more times than not, but it's evidence of just how much I love you. How can I not cry when part of me and my heart are missing. Daddy agrees that I'm struggling most. I told him there's nothing quite like a mother's love. I wonder if you truly know how deeply my love for you runs? Then I wonder if I know how much you love me. I'm still trying to imagine.
I went through my journal the other day, instead of writing in it, I went back to the beginning of last year and read through to most recently. It's an interesting experience to reread things you've written. I realize I need to do less complaining and express more gratitude. I had to laugh at the entries when I complained about life being tough...I thought to myself "oh stupid me, little did you know a few months later you'd be begging for these so called 'unbearable days' compared to what was coming up." I laugh in disbelief because I had no clue. No clue whatsoever. I do feel in some other entries that I've been inspired, and I felt touched all over as I read it again. There was one entry that stood out most to me at this time that said:
It's been far too long.
Our neighbor's dad just died recently and daddy and I completely felt their pain. When I saw the look in his freshly grief-stricken face, my mind reeled back to the awful day we got the same gut-wrenching news... they didn't make it. We truly could mourn with them, daddy and I cried that morning. No one can ever fully understand unless they themselves experience the same thing. It was interesting though, when I went over to say something all I could say was "I'm so sorry". You would think I'd have a little more knowledge of what to say, but I was at a loss for words. All I really wanted to do was cry, to know that someone else is experiencing the same pain we are just made me feel truly sympathetic. I may not have known exactly what to say, but I did know, however, what not to say. I'm keeping a list of things people say that make me cringe, and make sure to never repeat them to others who grieve. I know they mean well, they just don't know what to say! More often than not, a hug and a listening ear is all a person needs.
You'd be proud of me, it's been almost a whole month since I've last been depressed. I tell you, there is nothing as powerful as a priesthood blessing. Don't confuse that with not being sad though. There have been plenty of times where I still bawl myself to sleep, but it has not led to utter despair and self-hatred. I think it's safe to say I am crying more times than not, but it's evidence of just how much I love you. How can I not cry when part of me and my heart are missing. Daddy agrees that I'm struggling most. I told him there's nothing quite like a mother's love. I wonder if you truly know how deeply my love for you runs? Then I wonder if I know how much you love me. I'm still trying to imagine.
I went through my journal the other day, instead of writing in it, I went back to the beginning of last year and read through to most recently. It's an interesting experience to reread things you've written. I realize I need to do less complaining and express more gratitude. I had to laugh at the entries when I complained about life being tough...I thought to myself "oh stupid me, little did you know a few months later you'd be begging for these so called 'unbearable days' compared to what was coming up." I laugh in disbelief because I had no clue. No clue whatsoever. I do feel in some other entries that I've been inspired, and I felt touched all over as I read it again. There was one entry that stood out most to me at this time that said:
"Tim taught the lesson today in Priesthood and he shared a bit from it with me last night. It struck me. It was by President Uchtdorf. He said that it is our duty, when we’re strong, to care for the feeble; when we’re happy, to take care of those who sorrow; when we’re financially stable, to take care of those who are struggling. It is our imperative duty to do so. If we don’t we exempt ourselves from our salvation."
Wow. It struck me even harder than when I heard it the first time. We must take better care of each other. Am I doing all I can to mourn with those who mourn, rejoice with those who rejoice, tend to the sick, help those who struggle, bear up other's burdens when they are weak? I'm afraid to answer I have not been doing all I can do. That last part of the quote just screams to me the seriousness of the matter, 'It is our imperative duty to do so. If we don’t we exempt ourselves from our salvation'. You can bet I'm going to be pushing myself harder to do a little better.
I love you with all my heart, and then some.
Love,
Mama
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Conversations with Faith
Dear sweet Mikayla,
I've been noticing more how much your sister misses you. She's been sick this weekend so she is extra sad. When I tucked her in last night, she was crying. I assumed it was because she wasn't feeling well, but I asked her what was wrong. Without hesitating, I heard clearly through her sobs, "I miss Mikkie." Talk about a dagger to the heart. It broke my heart and I couldn't help but cry with her. As I sat there and stroked her face and brushed her hair out of her face, I saw you in her. She is the sweetest little girl, no wonder why I'm reminded of you when I look at her, you're a perfect little angel. I love you both more than...more than I can find words for.
Today I was talking with her about Jesus and how much He loves her. Whenever I ask if she loves Him, she says "yes, and we go see Jesus too!" I told her that she's going to grow up, have babies, grow old and then we can all be with Jesus again. To which she exclaimed "and Mikkie too!" Yes, without a doubt, our Mikkie too. "Yea let's do it!" She says excitedly. I say, 'unless the Second Coming comes sooner than we think, than we can see her even sooner." I don't think she quite understood (or the play dough won over her attention) because she said, " *sigh*, let's just go take a nap, k mom." She cracks me up. I was expecting the total opposite reaction. That would be the easy way out, just sleep life away and wake up when its all done. :)
Faith was making a hat from some of her toys, put it on her head and made another one. I asked who that one was for. "This is my Mikkie's hat." So sweet. She is always thinking of you and including you. Did I tell you what she did on Christmas morning? The first thing we did was check out the stockings, and before she looked in hers she immediately asked where yours was. Surprised, I went to get it and laid it by hers. When we go to the store and there is an empty seat next to her she reminds me "this is Mikkie's seat." I'm so extremely glad that she is remembering you. She is helping me to talk about you more, to include you in things even though you're not physically here. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. Faith is doing better than me at including you in life. I think adults tend to make themselves busy more than kids. Daddy and I recognized the reason we've been watching so much tv lately is to take our minds off things; I like to forget about reality for a while. When I hear Faith say things about you and the things she does, I realize even though it hurts, I need to keep your memory alive by including you in things more, talking about you, looking at pictures, watching videos, anything to help it feel like you're still with us.
Faith has a stuffed animal froggy that when you press the hand you hear the sweetest, cutest giggle; yours Mikkie. Everytime I hear that, my ears perk up at one of the sounds that always brings a smile to my face, and now a tear.
I love you sweet Angel!
Love,
Mama
I've been noticing more how much your sister misses you. She's been sick this weekend so she is extra sad. When I tucked her in last night, she was crying. I assumed it was because she wasn't feeling well, but I asked her what was wrong. Without hesitating, I heard clearly through her sobs, "I miss Mikkie." Talk about a dagger to the heart. It broke my heart and I couldn't help but cry with her. As I sat there and stroked her face and brushed her hair out of her face, I saw you in her. She is the sweetest little girl, no wonder why I'm reminded of you when I look at her, you're a perfect little angel. I love you both more than...more than I can find words for.
Today I was talking with her about Jesus and how much He loves her. Whenever I ask if she loves Him, she says "yes, and we go see Jesus too!" I told her that she's going to grow up, have babies, grow old and then we can all be with Jesus again. To which she exclaimed "and Mikkie too!" Yes, without a doubt, our Mikkie too. "Yea let's do it!" She says excitedly. I say, 'unless the Second Coming comes sooner than we think, than we can see her even sooner." I don't think she quite understood (or the play dough won over her attention) because she said, " *sigh*, let's just go take a nap, k mom." She cracks me up. I was expecting the total opposite reaction. That would be the easy way out, just sleep life away and wake up when its all done. :)
Faith was making a hat from some of her toys, put it on her head and made another one. I asked who that one was for. "This is my Mikkie's hat." So sweet. She is always thinking of you and including you. Did I tell you what she did on Christmas morning? The first thing we did was check out the stockings, and before she looked in hers she immediately asked where yours was. Surprised, I went to get it and laid it by hers. When we go to the store and there is an empty seat next to her she reminds me "this is Mikkie's seat." I'm so extremely glad that she is remembering you. She is helping me to talk about you more, to include you in things even though you're not physically here. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. Faith is doing better than me at including you in life. I think adults tend to make themselves busy more than kids. Daddy and I recognized the reason we've been watching so much tv lately is to take our minds off things; I like to forget about reality for a while. When I hear Faith say things about you and the things she does, I realize even though it hurts, I need to keep your memory alive by including you in things more, talking about you, looking at pictures, watching videos, anything to help it feel like you're still with us.
Faith has a stuffed animal froggy that when you press the hand you hear the sweetest, cutest giggle; yours Mikkie. Everytime I hear that, my ears perk up at one of the sounds that always brings a smile to my face, and now a tear.
I love you sweet Angel!
Love,
Mama
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Compassion
Dearest Mikkie,
I can't bring myself to even smile right now, the pain is too overwhelming. I've been saying how glad I am to say goodbye to 2010 and bring on a new year....but the more I think about it, and as awful and heart-wrenching as it was, I want the year back. This will be the first full year without you and it's unbearable to think about. I feel so angry, confused, hurt. The holidays have been down-right depressing. Last weekend I just couldn't hold it together and pretty much hit rock bottom. There were only a few people I could count on to be there for me. The same ones that are always there.
It was that night when we were talking and we came to a realization how involved in our own lives we all are! We make ourselves so busy and are so caught up in our day-to-day living that we are completely blind to what's happening around us. I could be sitting here having the best day of my life, or just going about my day when someone I know(or someone I don't even know but could possibly help) and love is sick, depressed, thinking suicide, starving for comfort, starving for anything, losing a job or house or loved one or their sanity, or just plan having a rotten day and needs a listening ear. I realize that this world has got to do better! We have got to be taking better care of each other, not just watching out for our own skin. I mainly mean me. How do we expect our Savior to come when we are in a state like this. Realizing this could make me feel even more depressed, but instead I'm going to make sure I forget myself and serve others. I need to and want to be more in tune with who is in need of help or who is in need of a friend. I can't believe I've been so dense to not see this a little sooner.
Someone you know Mikkie, is having a very hard time and has not been to church for a while. The thing that baffles us is how not one soul has bothered to check in on them to see why they have not been coming or to say they missed them. Don't you think there is something incredibly wrong with that picture?
So many have lost loved ones recently, the holidays approached; you'd think people would know how rough it would be on them, and call or write saying something as simple as 'we're thinking of you'. I know for myself, I can count on 2 hands the amount of people I heard from. Yet I, myself didn't check-in with people I know are most likely suffering.
A friend of mine is sick with cancer and could possibly go anytime. People have the nerve to say and do unkind things to her. WHY is this, Mikkie, tell me WHY! No one cares, it seems.
I think I know an answer only because I recognize what's been going on in myself, I am among those who seem not to care; We DO care but don't show it. Why? it's because like I said before, we are so busy we're oblivious to anything going on outside our own little family, we're comfortable living in ignorance (what we don't know can't hurt us, right? wrong.), we're ok with mediocre, we simply don't make the time to check in on others, and we figure maybe they're just sick or maybe they just need to be alone and the biggest mistake of all, we assume.
Someone is missing from church or school or work one day, the normal thing to do is assume they are sick, or maybe out of town. I do this and think it all the time for everyone, and think nothing of it. Until last week when I missed church, one day after Christmas and hear from but two people. I was not sick and I realized maybe other's experience similar circumstances when they are not in attendance. Maybe instead of being sick or the other normal list of things we would think to assume, maybe they are in trouble, stuck somewhere, can't get their car to start and no one's around to help, or are home crying their eyes out because they desperately miss someone they love. I cannot afford to "assume" anymore. God wants us to serve one another, but He can't help if we don't make time and make ourselves available.
I'm sorry if I sounded a little harsh Mikkie, I just feel very passionate about this realization I've come to...and I feel very strongly that this is one of the answers to life. It makes sense when you think of the life Christ lived and the example He made; He was always helping others, attending to the sick and needy, healing, blessing and comforting. We need to take this more seriously and follow His example and what He said "Do thou likewise" and show more compassion for others. There's so many times and people I wish I would've taken the advantage to check-in with, including you Mikkie. Maybe not every time we don't check-in with someone, something as traumatic as your experience happens, but we certainly do miss a chance to "save" someone...whether that be physical, mental or spiritual.
Oh how I miss you, Mikkie! How I wish I had the power to turn back time and have you back.
Although this new year is bound to have hard times as we continue on experiencing "first's without you", I hope it will bring more happy times.
I love you more and more every day.
Love me,
Mama
I can't bring myself to even smile right now, the pain is too overwhelming. I've been saying how glad I am to say goodbye to 2010 and bring on a new year....but the more I think about it, and as awful and heart-wrenching as it was, I want the year back. This will be the first full year without you and it's unbearable to think about. I feel so angry, confused, hurt. The holidays have been down-right depressing. Last weekend I just couldn't hold it together and pretty much hit rock bottom. There were only a few people I could count on to be there for me. The same ones that are always there.
It was that night when we were talking and we came to a realization how involved in our own lives we all are! We make ourselves so busy and are so caught up in our day-to-day living that we are completely blind to what's happening around us. I could be sitting here having the best day of my life, or just going about my day when someone I know(or someone I don't even know but could possibly help) and love is sick, depressed, thinking suicide, starving for comfort, starving for anything, losing a job or house or loved one or their sanity, or just plan having a rotten day and needs a listening ear. I realize that this world has got to do better! We have got to be taking better care of each other, not just watching out for our own skin. I mainly mean me. How do we expect our Savior to come when we are in a state like this. Realizing this could make me feel even more depressed, but instead I'm going to make sure I forget myself and serve others. I need to and want to be more in tune with who is in need of help or who is in need of a friend. I can't believe I've been so dense to not see this a little sooner.
Someone you know Mikkie, is having a very hard time and has not been to church for a while. The thing that baffles us is how not one soul has bothered to check in on them to see why they have not been coming or to say they missed them. Don't you think there is something incredibly wrong with that picture?
So many have lost loved ones recently, the holidays approached; you'd think people would know how rough it would be on them, and call or write saying something as simple as 'we're thinking of you'. I know for myself, I can count on 2 hands the amount of people I heard from. Yet I, myself didn't check-in with people I know are most likely suffering.
A friend of mine is sick with cancer and could possibly go anytime. People have the nerve to say and do unkind things to her. WHY is this, Mikkie, tell me WHY! No one cares, it seems.
I think I know an answer only because I recognize what's been going on in myself, I am among those who seem not to care; We DO care but don't show it. Why? it's because like I said before, we are so busy we're oblivious to anything going on outside our own little family, we're comfortable living in ignorance (what we don't know can't hurt us, right? wrong.), we're ok with mediocre, we simply don't make the time to check in on others, and we figure maybe they're just sick or maybe they just need to be alone and the biggest mistake of all, we assume.
Someone is missing from church or school or work one day, the normal thing to do is assume they are sick, or maybe out of town. I do this and think it all the time for everyone, and think nothing of it. Until last week when I missed church, one day after Christmas and hear from but two people. I was not sick and I realized maybe other's experience similar circumstances when they are not in attendance. Maybe instead of being sick or the other normal list of things we would think to assume, maybe they are in trouble, stuck somewhere, can't get their car to start and no one's around to help, or are home crying their eyes out because they desperately miss someone they love. I cannot afford to "assume" anymore. God wants us to serve one another, but He can't help if we don't make time and make ourselves available.
I'm sorry if I sounded a little harsh Mikkie, I just feel very passionate about this realization I've come to...and I feel very strongly that this is one of the answers to life. It makes sense when you think of the life Christ lived and the example He made; He was always helping others, attending to the sick and needy, healing, blessing and comforting. We need to take this more seriously and follow His example and what He said "Do thou likewise" and show more compassion for others. There's so many times and people I wish I would've taken the advantage to check-in with, including you Mikkie. Maybe not every time we don't check-in with someone, something as traumatic as your experience happens, but we certainly do miss a chance to "save" someone...whether that be physical, mental or spiritual.
Oh how I miss you, Mikkie! How I wish I had the power to turn back time and have you back.
Although this new year is bound to have hard times as we continue on experiencing "first's without you", I hope it will bring more happy times.
I love you more and more every day.
Love me,
Mama
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas
My sweet Mikkie,
Christmas just isn't quite the same this year. I've tried to stay strong through it all, but when we went to visit your grave, I just couldn't hold it in any longer. It is a sobering thing to visit the grave of your baby girl on Christmas. As I looked around at the other graves, you are surrounded by red poinsettias, then there's you standing out with your bouquet of bright flowers. You always did stand out above the crowd, you were and always will be my little piece of sunshine, brightening up life with your beaming smile. I can barely get through typing this without getting teary, just thinking of that smile makes my heart ache. My emotions have been fluctuating these past 2 days from feeling peace and joy to heart ache and loneliness.
I can't even imagine what your Christmas is like, being face to face with Christ our Savior. Once again, I believe we are the ones that are missing out.
All I want this Christmas is to feel you with me, as if you were in fact by my side. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't think I've felt you like your daddy has. It frustrates me as well as breaks my heart. I know you're there, somewhere.
I don't mean to sound negative when I say I'm eager for this year to be over. At the same time, I'm clinging onto it because it's the last year I got to spend with you, and as the years disappear, I'm afraid my memories will too. Life is already starting to feel somewhat "normal" and that's not ok with me. "Family never gets left behind or forgotten". I will not let you be forgotten, Mikkie, I cannot and I will not.
I've had quite a few people write me recently with sweet words of comfort and love. It's amazing to me how people, whether I know them or not, take the time to write such sweet, sensitive words. Every single one of the emails were exactly what I needed to hear to bring some comfort. I am extremely grateful to those people for letting their hearts be touched to want to write to me.
The following poem has been shared with me by several people. I've never read it before, and it really touched me.
Christmas just isn't quite the same this year. I've tried to stay strong through it all, but when we went to visit your grave, I just couldn't hold it in any longer. It is a sobering thing to visit the grave of your baby girl on Christmas. As I looked around at the other graves, you are surrounded by red poinsettias, then there's you standing out with your bouquet of bright flowers. You always did stand out above the crowd, you were and always will be my little piece of sunshine, brightening up life with your beaming smile. I can barely get through typing this without getting teary, just thinking of that smile makes my heart ache. My emotions have been fluctuating these past 2 days from feeling peace and joy to heart ache and loneliness.
I can't even imagine what your Christmas is like, being face to face with Christ our Savior. Once again, I believe we are the ones that are missing out.
All I want this Christmas is to feel you with me, as if you were in fact by my side. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't think I've felt you like your daddy has. It frustrates me as well as breaks my heart. I know you're there, somewhere.
I don't mean to sound negative when I say I'm eager for this year to be over. At the same time, I'm clinging onto it because it's the last year I got to spend with you, and as the years disappear, I'm afraid my memories will too. Life is already starting to feel somewhat "normal" and that's not ok with me. "Family never gets left behind or forgotten". I will not let you be forgotten, Mikkie, I cannot and I will not.
I've had quite a few people write me recently with sweet words of comfort and love. It's amazing to me how people, whether I know them or not, take the time to write such sweet, sensitive words. Every single one of the emails were exactly what I needed to hear to bring some comfort. I am extremely grateful to those people for letting their hearts be touched to want to write to me.
The following poem has been shared with me by several people. I've never read it before, and it really touched me.
I’M SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST THIS YEAR
I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars
Reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away that tear,
for I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.
For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this time.
I can’t tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?
I’ll ask Him to light your spirit
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.
So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your Spirit sing,
For I’m spending Christmas in heaven
And I’m walking with the King!
--Author Unknown
I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars
Reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away that tear,
for I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.
For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this time.
I can’t tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?
I’ll ask Him to light your spirit
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.
So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your Spirit sing,
For I’m spending Christmas in heaven
And I’m walking with the King!
--Author Unknown
Merry Christmas my Angel girl. You are greatly missed by so many. I love you more than anything.
Love me,
Mama
Love me,
Mama
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Death
Sweet angel Mikkie,
Death has been on my mind a lot lately. I read that this world is the land of the dying, the next is the land of the living (where you are!). For so long I've always thought the opposite, I feared death, but here in this mortal existence is definitely the land of the dying. I think why then do we fear death? I guess before, it was because no one close to me had passed so I was clinging to life and my loved ones, deathly afraid of ever being parted from them. Now I'm torn between wanting to go and wanting to stay, I so desperately want to hold you in my arms again and see your sweet, precious face, but thoughts of leaving Faith and your daddy behind is an unbearable one. So, I'm stuck here feeling like I'm in limbo, knowing I cannot be completely happy until we're reunited with you.
Another thought I had when I was talking with your daddy is this life is like school for us. We come here to learn and be tested over and over. The point being, we are in school, waiting to go on with "real life" like you :) Death is a new beginning.
In the book "For they shall be comforted" once again, I liked the following quote:
" The change called death is ordained of God and is a blessing to man. It would be tragic if men could never be released from mortality that they might put on immortality. Death releases man from his mortal existence and makes it possible his onward progress toward eternal life and exaltation."
I agree with that. Can you imagine being stuck here on this earth? Now that to me would be a hell. After I read that quote I really see death as a blessing.
Another quote says, " I care not whether I am dying or not; for if I die I shall be with God; if I live, He will be with me." I would feel the same way too if it weren't for my family... they are the only reason I care to be alive, well that and shaping myself up so I can be a better person. :)
This quote really stuck out to me as well: "The Lord takes away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."
I am indeed grateful that you don't have to suffer in this wicked world anymore, I should be rejoicing more for your sake. I guess my mourning is selfish then, more for myself; I'm happy for you that you are saved, you have nothing to worry about, it is you that should be mourning for me and the rest of us stuck here.
What gives me most comfort is "Death comes to all of us, but so does life everlasting."
Wow. Since death will be coming to us no matter what we do, the best thing we could do for ourselves is to get prepared. Make sure we give forgiveness where it's due, learn to love ourselves and others with a Christ-like love, make sure that if we would die today we would have absolutely no regrets. That's my goal, to live as if I were dying. Because, we are after all, dying a little more each and every day, getting closer and closer to the land of the living. :)
I will write again soon sweet baby girl, for I have much to say.
Love me always,
Mama
Death has been on my mind a lot lately. I read that this world is the land of the dying, the next is the land of the living (where you are!). For so long I've always thought the opposite, I feared death, but here in this mortal existence is definitely the land of the dying. I think why then do we fear death? I guess before, it was because no one close to me had passed so I was clinging to life and my loved ones, deathly afraid of ever being parted from them. Now I'm torn between wanting to go and wanting to stay, I so desperately want to hold you in my arms again and see your sweet, precious face, but thoughts of leaving Faith and your daddy behind is an unbearable one. So, I'm stuck here feeling like I'm in limbo, knowing I cannot be completely happy until we're reunited with you.
Another thought I had when I was talking with your daddy is this life is like school for us. We come here to learn and be tested over and over. The point being, we are in school, waiting to go on with "real life" like you :) Death is a new beginning.
In the book "For they shall be comforted" once again, I liked the following quote:
" The change called death is ordained of God and is a blessing to man. It would be tragic if men could never be released from mortality that they might put on immortality. Death releases man from his mortal existence and makes it possible his onward progress toward eternal life and exaltation."
I agree with that. Can you imagine being stuck here on this earth? Now that to me would be a hell. After I read that quote I really see death as a blessing.
Another quote says, " I care not whether I am dying or not; for if I die I shall be with God; if I live, He will be with me." I would feel the same way too if it weren't for my family... they are the only reason I care to be alive, well that and shaping myself up so I can be a better person. :)
This quote really stuck out to me as well: "The Lord takes away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."
I am indeed grateful that you don't have to suffer in this wicked world anymore, I should be rejoicing more for your sake. I guess my mourning is selfish then, more for myself; I'm happy for you that you are saved, you have nothing to worry about, it is you that should be mourning for me and the rest of us stuck here.
What gives me most comfort is "Death comes to all of us, but so does life everlasting."
Wow. Since death will be coming to us no matter what we do, the best thing we could do for ourselves is to get prepared. Make sure we give forgiveness where it's due, learn to love ourselves and others with a Christ-like love, make sure that if we would die today we would have absolutely no regrets. That's my goal, to live as if I were dying. Because, we are after all, dying a little more each and every day, getting closer and closer to the land of the living. :)
I will write again soon sweet baby girl, for I have much to say.
Love me always,
Mama
Sunday, December 5, 2010
It can always be worse
Sweet Angel Mikkie,
Around the Thanksgiving holiday, I've been focusing more and more on what I'm grateful for. I am reminded that things could always be worse. I think I got it bad, think my life is the worst? I take a look around and realize how good I have it.
I want to share everything I am grateful for dealing with you.
I'm grateful for the day you were born. Even though you had a little colic, you were sweet as can be. I'm grateful that you caught on to nursing so quickly, saving me to have to repeat that distress.
I'm grateful that you were a pretty healthy baby.
I'm grateful for your smile, which always always brought sunshine to my soul.
I'm grateful for your laugh. What I wouldn't give to hear that precious sound again.
I'm grateful for all the "Mikkie hugs" you gave me. You were always so willing to give me one.
I'm grateful for the nights you woke up crying...giving me the opportunity to cuddle with you and rock you in my arms.
I'm grateful for all the times you've cried, so I could comfort you and hold you in my arms longer than you would normally stay.
I'm grateful that I got to know your vivacious, fun, sweet personality. You were so full of life and gave even more meaning to my life.
I'm grateful for all the noise you made, it's a much better alternative to the deafening silence.
I'm grateful for the time I got to be with you, that I was able to stay home with you and didn't have to work. I absolutely treasure that time.
I'm grateful that Faith got to make a best friend, to be with and play with all the time.
I'm grateful for all the times we got to play around with each other, with all 4 of us.
I'm grateful for the hand smudges and marker on the windows and walls from you. They mean more to me than I ever would've thought before, because they're from you.
I'm grateful to have been able to see you conquer many milestones, you were such a quick learner.
I'm grateful for the time we got to have with you, even as short as it was...it could've been even shorter, so I'm grateful to have spent that tiny fraction of your life with you.
I'm grateful that God chose me, of all people, to be your mother. I definitely got the better end of the deal.
I'm grateful that even though you went in the way I'm most petrified of, you didn't have to suffer long at all. I hate to even think about it, but I'm grateful that you weren't hanging on just for me or anyone. I'm grateful that you didn't have to be hospitalized and have it come to a point where we would pray for you to go just so we didn't have to see you suffer.
I'm grateful that you went at a time when we were surrounded by loved ones to comfort and to help us.
I'm grateful for all the pictures and videos we have to help us remember better.
I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation, to know that I get to see you again, and receive the honor to finish raising you!! Oh what a happy day it will be!
I remembered the amazing talk President Monson gave in Conference, "The Divine Gift of Gratitude" and these bits stood out to me:
“When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with a spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives.
We have all experienced times when our focus is on what we lack rather than on our blessings. Said the Greek philosopher Epictetus, “He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has."
We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. Someone has said that “gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.
The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. Love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.” He continued: “Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!
Someone has said that “feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." To express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven."
How true it all is! If I can only live my life with more gratitude; not just expressing it, but living it! My heart is so heavy yet so full of gratitude to my Savior. My blessings far outweigh my hardships, life really isn't as bad as I make it out to be sometimes.....things could always be worse! May I continue to give Him the gift of gratitude and in all things give thanks!
I'm so grateful for you, my sweet baby. I love, love, love you so much!
Love me,
Mama
Around the Thanksgiving holiday, I've been focusing more and more on what I'm grateful for. I am reminded that things could always be worse. I think I got it bad, think my life is the worst? I take a look around and realize how good I have it.
I want to share everything I am grateful for dealing with you.
I'm grateful for the day you were born. Even though you had a little colic, you were sweet as can be. I'm grateful that you caught on to nursing so quickly, saving me to have to repeat that distress.
I'm grateful that you were a pretty healthy baby.
I'm grateful for your smile, which always always brought sunshine to my soul.
I'm grateful for your laugh. What I wouldn't give to hear that precious sound again.
I'm grateful for all the "Mikkie hugs" you gave me. You were always so willing to give me one.
I'm grateful for the nights you woke up crying...giving me the opportunity to cuddle with you and rock you in my arms.
I'm grateful for all the times you've cried, so I could comfort you and hold you in my arms longer than you would normally stay.
I'm grateful that I got to know your vivacious, fun, sweet personality. You were so full of life and gave even more meaning to my life.
I'm grateful for all the noise you made, it's a much better alternative to the deafening silence.
I'm grateful for the time I got to be with you, that I was able to stay home with you and didn't have to work. I absolutely treasure that time.
I'm grateful that Faith got to make a best friend, to be with and play with all the time.
I'm grateful for all the times we got to play around with each other, with all 4 of us.
I'm grateful for the hand smudges and marker on the windows and walls from you. They mean more to me than I ever would've thought before, because they're from you.
I'm grateful to have been able to see you conquer many milestones, you were such a quick learner.
I'm grateful for the time we got to have with you, even as short as it was...it could've been even shorter, so I'm grateful to have spent that tiny fraction of your life with you.
I'm grateful that God chose me, of all people, to be your mother. I definitely got the better end of the deal.
I'm grateful that even though you went in the way I'm most petrified of, you didn't have to suffer long at all. I hate to even think about it, but I'm grateful that you weren't hanging on just for me or anyone. I'm grateful that you didn't have to be hospitalized and have it come to a point where we would pray for you to go just so we didn't have to see you suffer.
I'm grateful that you went at a time when we were surrounded by loved ones to comfort and to help us.
I'm grateful for all the pictures and videos we have to help us remember better.
I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation, to know that I get to see you again, and receive the honor to finish raising you!! Oh what a happy day it will be!
I remembered the amazing talk President Monson gave in Conference, "The Divine Gift of Gratitude" and these bits stood out to me:
“When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with a spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives.
We have all experienced times when our focus is on what we lack rather than on our blessings. Said the Greek philosopher Epictetus, “He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has."
We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. Someone has said that “gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.
The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. Love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.” He continued: “Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!
Someone has said that “feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." To express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven."
How true it all is! If I can only live my life with more gratitude; not just expressing it, but living it! My heart is so heavy yet so full of gratitude to my Savior. My blessings far outweigh my hardships, life really isn't as bad as I make it out to be sometimes.....things could always be worse! May I continue to give Him the gift of gratitude and in all things give thanks!
I'm so grateful for you, my sweet baby. I love, love, love you so much!
Love me,
Mama
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Accept
Dearest Mikayla,
How I went through two weeks without writing you, I don't know. There's been all sorts of things going through my mind and the times where I felt most depressed (which has been more frequent lately) I refrained from writing because I knew my perspective was turned the wrong way. I didn't want you to think that I'm a complete hopeless mess.
I had all sorts of talks with different people throughout the week and I've seen an important lesson surface. I'm having a hard time because I still feel guilty. People can tell me to not feel guilty and it's not my fault until they're blue in the face, but it doesn't work. You can talk and yell and scream and try to beat things into people, but unless it comes from within themselves, it will have no effect. I think it's natural for any mother to feel guilt (they find a way to somehow assign themselves the blame, whether it's their fault or not). I had this invulnerable thought that if I had not had a bad attitude and stayed in the pool with you, I could have prevented the accident. That fed the thought that it was my fault, I was to blame. Well, it's not my duty to place blame on anyone including myself. Now that my perspective is bit more clear again, I see that I just need to accept what happened,; accept the fact that no matter where I was or what I was doing you still would have gone because you just didn't need to be here any longer. I could be more happy if I could just accept things. Your daddy seemed to have forgiven and accepted things quicker than I, not that it's a competition, but I don't know why I've been struggling as much as I have. It's been a harder battle for me to overcome.
I would cry out "I just want to know why! I just want some answers!" I remembered something I had read and highlighted in a book, "For They Shall Be Comforted" that said "He could give the answer to our questions, Why? but he refrains , knowing that our faith in Him and in His purposes will increase through prayerful searching...... He will hear our earnest petitions and in His own time will give the answer to our question, Why?"
I've had a few people tell me already that I probably won't get my answers. Maybe once I accept things the way they are, maybe after a little more faith is shown, or maybe not at all. Whether I receive them or not I need to accept what God is doing is for the best and in all due time, in this life or the next, I will understand.
Accept: be designed to hold or take; tolerate or accommodate oneself to.
We all live on this earth with this foolish thinking that we have control. We do not! I had to experience one of the worst things imaginable to realize that. Even after that more things happened and happened and happened; the sooner we accept that and the sooner we learn to lean on and depend on our Savior, then and only then will life be tolerable, because we realize who's really in charge. He's the only one we can depend on. I've been going crazy thinking how much I relied on my own strength and thinking I had control on my life. The only thing we have control of, which is utterly important and will determine the outcome of life, is our attitude, which comes as a result of our free agency. I don't think I really knew (even now maybe) just how much power we have in determining our outcome just by simply having the right attitude. Easier said than done of course. Bad things will happen in life, but life itself doesn't have to be bad because of it. It's all necessary and essential in God's plan. Accept it and lean on Christ= tolerable, happy life. Deny it and try to do things yourself= unbearable, miserable life. We choose.
I hate how all these thoughts flow through my head when I'm in the car or away from my computer or paper, then when I do come to write I all the sudden have a writer's block. You'd think it would be easy to write since these are my feelings, not some rehearsed talk or something. Well, whether my words are jumbled or not...you get what I'm saying, right? :)
I will probably do better if I don't let it build up so much. I should write it down immediately, freeing up my mind for more thoughts. Good idea, thanks Mikkie. :)
I have so much more to write, so much more I'm feeling, but that will come in the next letter.
I love you baby girl!
Love,
Mama
How I went through two weeks without writing you, I don't know. There's been all sorts of things going through my mind and the times where I felt most depressed (which has been more frequent lately) I refrained from writing because I knew my perspective was turned the wrong way. I didn't want you to think that I'm a complete hopeless mess.
I had all sorts of talks with different people throughout the week and I've seen an important lesson surface. I'm having a hard time because I still feel guilty. People can tell me to not feel guilty and it's not my fault until they're blue in the face, but it doesn't work. You can talk and yell and scream and try to beat things into people, but unless it comes from within themselves, it will have no effect. I think it's natural for any mother to feel guilt (they find a way to somehow assign themselves the blame, whether it's their fault or not). I had this invulnerable thought that if I had not had a bad attitude and stayed in the pool with you, I could have prevented the accident. That fed the thought that it was my fault, I was to blame. Well, it's not my duty to place blame on anyone including myself. Now that my perspective is bit more clear again, I see that I just need to accept what happened,; accept the fact that no matter where I was or what I was doing you still would have gone because you just didn't need to be here any longer. I could be more happy if I could just accept things. Your daddy seemed to have forgiven and accepted things quicker than I, not that it's a competition, but I don't know why I've been struggling as much as I have. It's been a harder battle for me to overcome.
I would cry out "I just want to know why! I just want some answers!" I remembered something I had read and highlighted in a book, "For They Shall Be Comforted" that said "He could give the answer to our questions, Why? but he refrains , knowing that our faith in Him and in His purposes will increase through prayerful searching...... He will hear our earnest petitions and in His own time will give the answer to our question, Why?"
I've had a few people tell me already that I probably won't get my answers. Maybe once I accept things the way they are, maybe after a little more faith is shown, or maybe not at all. Whether I receive them or not I need to accept what God is doing is for the best and in all due time, in this life or the next, I will understand.
Accept: be designed to hold or take; tolerate or accommodate oneself to.
We all live on this earth with this foolish thinking that we have control. We do not! I had to experience one of the worst things imaginable to realize that. Even after that more things happened and happened and happened; the sooner we accept that and the sooner we learn to lean on and depend on our Savior, then and only then will life be tolerable, because we realize who's really in charge. He's the only one we can depend on. I've been going crazy thinking how much I relied on my own strength and thinking I had control on my life. The only thing we have control of, which is utterly important and will determine the outcome of life, is our attitude, which comes as a result of our free agency. I don't think I really knew (even now maybe) just how much power we have in determining our outcome just by simply having the right attitude. Easier said than done of course. Bad things will happen in life, but life itself doesn't have to be bad because of it. It's all necessary and essential in God's plan. Accept it and lean on Christ= tolerable, happy life. Deny it and try to do things yourself= unbearable, miserable life. We choose.
I hate how all these thoughts flow through my head when I'm in the car or away from my computer or paper, then when I do come to write I all the sudden have a writer's block. You'd think it would be easy to write since these are my feelings, not some rehearsed talk or something. Well, whether my words are jumbled or not...you get what I'm saying, right? :)
I will probably do better if I don't let it build up so much. I should write it down immediately, freeing up my mind for more thoughts. Good idea, thanks Mikkie. :)
I have so much more to write, so much more I'm feeling, but that will come in the next letter.
I love you baby girl!
Love,
Mama
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