Roller Coaster

My dear Mikkie,

What a life! no words to describe it except WOW. I'm sure many other people would say the same. Things hittin ya from all directions, happy and sad, good and bad..giving you an emotional roller coaster.

When you left I told myself and others that I would not have any more kids "why should I have more kids if God's just going to take them away?" were my exact thoughts. When I was able to snap out of my first wave of depression, your daddy and I knew that our family just felt incomplete and empty (it even did when you were still here.....but even more so now that you're gone.) Well, here I am 2 1/2 months along in my pregnancy with a sibling I'm sure you picked out yourself. It is a sweet miracle.....honestly not the miracle I was looking for at the time, but I'm happy, God knew He needed to send me another child soon...not that it will in any way take your place....in fact that's one of the things I'm afraid of. I have so many mixed emotions...people ask me if I'm excited and I feel bad thinking "no, not really....not like I was with you and Faith." I feel guilty for feeling that way then I think of things like "what if I don't love it as much as you and Faith", "what if I love it more than you", "what if i always compare it to you", and all sorts of other questions that I'm sure others would think is just absurd, but deep down inside it's how I honestly feel. I'm sure things will change once the baby is born, at least I hope it does, because this is just added guilt on top of the guilt I already have. I also have mixed emotions on whether I want a boy or girl (not like it matters what I want...it will be whatever it will be) I think to myself...if it's a girl I think it will feel more like it's replacing you, but then again I love my little girls! If it's a boy it would feel less like it's replacing you but....I don't know how to raise a boy...kind of a scary thought :) i'm so used to girls. I know that whatever it is, it will be for the best. God knows what we need.

Another wave on the roller coaster was added when we found out my Aunt died a couple days ago...very sudden, out of nowhere....just like you. What is going on up there? :) It's just crazy how you can be talking with someone one day and the next they're gone. It all happens all too fast. Life happens way too fast....which under recent circumstances, I'm grateful for, I just need to make sure to use my time more wisely. We're going to the funeral tomorrow. I'm not sure how I'm going to react, hopefully better than how I was last night.
Last night I hysterically cried myself asleep; tonight I laughed myself silly til my stomach hurt. Your dad thinks I'm delirious. Is it possible I'm going insane? I was doing fine til your daddy took Faith out trick-or-treating last night, and for some reason that made the volcano of tears erupt. Maybe I've been holding it in the past little while, it's been a few weeks since I last cried....and boy did I ever cry last night. Thoughts of last year came to me when they went out, you were home with me to keep me company...this year I was all alone. I've been alone several times before, I don't know why this time was any different. I'm surprised the baby is surviving all this stress and trauma...that to me is a miracle.

So, like I say, life is interesting, always keeps us going. Despite all my mixed emotions, I sure am looking forward to meeting your other sibling. Any hint to what the gender may be? ;) We'll be finding out soon anyways. To think that they are with you right now and will come straight to us right after just gives me chills. When I look at your little cousin Kelsey, who was born just 2 days after you left, I think "this baby was just with my baby girl!" How amazing. How lucky these people are to be with you that are up there now. I envy them. I can't wait to see your precious little face again. Until then....would you please let me feel you near? It sure would help ease my pain, to feel your precious spirit with me.

Now I feel like I'm just rambling. I love you so much Mikkie. I'm sorry I struggle so much, I'm trying, trust me, I am.

Love always,

Momma

Roots

Dear Mikkie,

It's been next to impossible to have time to sit, think and write lately. It's also been impossible to not think about you. Especially being places where we have memories with you. We're here in CT with your Grandpa and Grandma H. I can't help but think the last time we were here, you were with us. Your first plane ride (which you did very good by the way), your first time to a beach, your first time being to Rita's (best stuff in the world-put in a recommendation for those in heaven for me please, if it's not already there :)... everytime I think of Rita's, I think of you on the table, crawling over to my cup and taking a big chomp off the top with your mouth. It was the funniest thing. In fact we got a picture of it.

In the room we're staying in, I can still picture in my mind your playpen against the wall, you in it looking disgruntled because someone just disturbed your slumber, baby powder all over your head and sprinkled all over your crib along with tampons strewn all over. It was quite the sight. Faith had quite a fun time doing it. Sadly, we didn't get a picture of that.

It was little things like that, that joggled my memory and my heart sinks the same time I smile.

We talked about Job today in church, your Grandpa taught the lesson and did a great job. I thought it was very applicable. It's good to be reminded. I wish I could redo some things and be as faithful as Job was. He mentioned something about trees and their roots and asked indirectly how deep our roots are. Is our faith rooted so deep that nothing will make us waver, or do we do just enough to get by, just rooted enough that we drift away in the slightest amount of adversity? Can we hold on when the waves of adversity hit us from every angle? Not alone we can't, but with God all things are possible. I know that I've been able to make it each day because of Him....I would not have survived otherwise. I pray that my faith will never falter me and will continue to grow stronger. It has already been tested and tried more than I ever imagined but grown immensely as well.

My faith is deeply rooted in my Savior, Jesus Christ, I could never deny Him or all He has done for me. He is and has always been there for me.

Mikkie, you are gone but I know you live just as surely as He lives.

I kind of feel like I've been neglecting you by neglecting this blog. I just need to make the time to think and be still. I love you so much and think of you everyday. I sure wish you were here with us. Vacation just isn't the same anymore.... well, life isn't.

I promise I'll be back sooner.

love always,

your momma

I'll Think of You

Sweet Mikkie,

Life seems to be going in fast forward lately. Which can be good and bad. Life still feels like a dream, and I can't wait to wake up from it. I've been surprisingly calm lately (emotionally), it's not just a picture that brings tears, it's music. Music has always had a great impact on me and how I feel.
Remember the poem I wrote for you and read at your funeral? I had a few people saying I should make it into a song, but it wasn't until your uncle Dale said something that I really began to take it seriously. He is incredibly gifted with music and I had no doubt at all that he could come up with something beautiful. It didn't take him long at all and the first time he played the melody for me, I couldn't contain myself...tears just kept streaming down.
We had to change my poem a little to make it fit the music, and I had to come up with the chorus. It took me a while til I found the words that felt right.
We had the music done then talked of recording it. It was missing something. Singing. Someone has to sing the words, that's what the song is about. I immediately thought of a gal in our ward who has an amazing voice, Stephanie Hill. She has some cd's she's recorded and I remember hearing her voice before. She was so kind and willing enough to do this for me.
Well, last Friday we did it. We recorded it and I have my very own cd of your song. I've always thought it would be cool to put words to music, but cannot compose to save my life. I'm very grateful to Dale and Stephanie who have helped make this a reality, and prefect at that. The song could not be more perfect. I never have a dry eye when listening to it.
I hope you love it just as much, Mikkie. It brings me close to you. I put together a little slideshow that goes along with the lyrics. I know it's not professional, but I tried my best, just know it comes from my heart.

I am going to do a tree in memory of you for the Festival of Trees this year. I'm very excited. I'm going to sell this song for $1 and all of the proceeds will go to help with it....which will in turn go to Primary Children's Hospital....the place that tried so very hard to revive you. Most of all I'm hoping this song will touch others' hearts, as it comes from the heart of a mother who lost a most precious, angelic baby girl whom she loves more than life itself.

I love you and I'll think of you.....Mikayla, always.

With love,

Momma

**If you would like to purchase this song, you can click the Donate button below or on the top right hand side of this blog. You can purchase it for $1, and any donations will greatly be appreciated. All proceeds will ultimately be given to Primary Children's Hospital. The song will be emailed to you within 24 hours of payment.

Thank You.**

Awake

My dear Mikkie,

It's crazy how well I can be doing one day and thinking to myself 'ok, I can do this' to feeling like even the simplest task is unbearable the next day. Your daddy is very good to me, Mikkie. I've been very blessed by him and the power of the priesthood he holds. He has never, not once, given up on me. He has been there with me through my darkest hours. Besides my Savior, he truly is my best friend. He's there when I need him the most.

I got this handout back in Seminary days and have loved it ever since. Remembering this each morning reminds me of the decisions and actions I need to do... Richard G. Scott said in his recent talk from Conference, "strong character results from consistent correct choices." I want to be consistent in having good thoughts and making good decisions, so I live my life in such a way that when I wake up each morning satan will say "Oh no, she's awake!"

Another quote that I found that goes along with this, that I like also is, "It's not enough to just say you believe in God, Satan BELIEVES in God.. we need to believe in God in such a way that every day has us striving to LIVE for God."

There is a war going on around us. There is increased wickedness in the physical world, yes, but there is a spiritual war going on all around us. The forces are strong on both sides, but in the end God always wins, light overcomes darkness, good triumphs evil.

Mikkie, there is so much I'm learning right now, I've been so blind to so many things. I think I've been content with the knowledge I've had before and being the way I am....which isn't nearly enough. I can learn and do so much more! I feel I've been spiritually stagnant and I'm just sad it's taken something like this to wake me up. All this has woken me up to many things.

It's not just physically awake that the quote is talking about....to me it also means being spiritually awake. You can never let your guard down....I'm seeing more and more the minute you think things are going ok and let your guard down the tiniest bit, you get attacked.

I pray for the strength to always keep my guard up.

How's that for another totally unorganized, random thought? :) It's taken me a while to write to you because one it's been a busy week, two I had a very hard weekend and three I've felt I was unable to accurately articulate these thoughts and feelings running through me...but I finally figured something is better than nothing. If I wait too long I'll have so many thoughts I won't even know where to start and most likely won't write anything. I don't want to stop writing, it brings me comfort....you're not here to talk to, so this makes me feel like we're having a conversation, even though I can't hear you.

I keep finding myself calling other people by your name....today I called Kuzco, Mikkie. :) Your uncle called Faith, Mikkie Monster yesterday....Faithy monster just doesn't flow the same. I like to say and hear your name though....it's hard enough having you gone, it's even harder not hearing about you or at least your name. I miss telling people the latest cute and funny thing you've been doing, you always made me smile.

Alright, I'm done now. I love you more than you'll ever know sweet girl.

Love,

momma

Happy

Sweet Mikkie,

These past few days I've been happy. It's the first time since, that I've felt genuinely happy. I've actually been smiling without force and laughing without guilt. I haven't cried for two days. I feel grateful for the great comfort I've felt.

Daddy and I went to see a grief counselor the other night and we feel like this is a good thing for us. She said some interesting things. One thing was that we need to let go, of the guilt,the what if's, the nightmares that haunt me when I think of that excruciatingly painful day and all the details that go with it...let to. Letting go doesn't mean we will lose you, but it will help to heal us.

Then she said a few times about having patience with ourselves, allow ourselves to grieve. Allow and accept it.

That reminds me of this quote I got from your aunt:

"Grief is not linear. People kept telling me that once this happened or that passed, everything would be better. Some people gave me one year to grieve. They saw grief as a straight line, with a beginning, middle, and end. But it is not linear. It is disjointed. One day you are acting almost like a normal person. You may even manage to take a shower. Your clothes match. You think the autumn leaves look pretty, or enjoy the sound of snow crunching under your feet.

Then a song, a glimpse of something, or maybe even nothing sends you back into the hole of grief. It is not one step forward, two steps back. It is a jumble. It is hours that are all right, and weeks that aren't. Or it is good days and bad days. Or it is the weight of sadness making you look different to others and nothing helps. Not haircuts or manicures or the Atkins Diet.

...Grief doesn't have a plot. It isn't smooth. There is no beginning and middle and end. There is no end."

-Ann Hood (from her book "Comfort: A Journey Through Grief")

I need to be patient with myself when I'm happy and then all the sudden bawl all day long. I've already noticed it going like that.....I guess it's not just me that needs to be patient, it's everyone else. Hopefully they're patient with me because this will be a lifelong process, I will never get over it, but will continue learning and making progress. It's not just crying or sadness that I go back and forth with, but anger. I still find myself getting angry easier or just over nothing.

In a packet about grief that our counselor gave us, the first few paragraphs completely hit home with me.

"Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of a parent's being....when a baby dies, parents grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of them...as time passes, parents come to appreciate that grief is their link to their child, their grief keeps them connected to the child." -Arnold and Gemma, in Corr Et Al. 1996, 50-51

I've found that I cling to my grief, even the pain, because you seem more real to me; I feel that pain and it's a reminder that you were ripped from my life, my arms and how terribly I miss you.

"The parents are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the grief caused by their child's death and with their inherent need to continue to live their own lives as fully as possible. Thus, bereaved parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died."

That's exactly how I feel. I couldn't have said it better. I feel I am forgetting you when I'm not feeling that pain. I'm scared of forgetting you. I don't want to forget what it was like to have you around. It seems the only way I can 'feel' you is to feel the pain, otherwise I cannot feel you around and that pains me even more than the pain itself.

The only way to get through this is taking it one day at a time, sometimes hour by hour. I cannot rush myself past this grief, it's necessary and important to feel.

I'm looking forward to continue talking with the counselor and hopefully I can be a better person from it, coming out stronger and more understanding.

Thinking of you always.

Love,

your momma

*everytime I say or write or hear 'momma' I can hear your tiny voice repeating it, not stopping until you got my attention, telling me or showing me something small, but obviously important to you. I'm glad I got to hear you say my name so many times. I won't mind if you say it over and over again, I will gladly listen, I just ache to hear it again.

Misery is optional

My dear Mikkie,

I'm finding myself aching more for Faith now. Lately some of her friends leave her out, run away leaving her behind and say they only want to play with one friend. It really cuts me deep to see her running inside with a confused, saddened look. I think that's one of the things that hurts me the most....and probably hurts me more than it does her. You were a constant friend always ready to play and despite the normal sister quarrels, you two got along great and loved being with each other very much. Friends are great, but family is where it's at. Friends come and go, your family is always there. You are very fortunate if you have at least one true friend, one you can always count on, pick up where you left off and be yourself around. I have a couple of those and I feel very blessed, they're basically like my sisters....but I'd see no point in life without my family.

I think it's good that we got Kuzco. It helps ease the pain a bit and feels a little less lonely, somebody else to play with and boss around. :) Besides wanting another child, one reason we had you when we did is so Faith could have a playmate. I wanted you to be close in age. We couldn't have asked for anyone more perfect than you.

Oh Mikkie, I really hope that she can feel you near, to always have your company. If you could only be with one person, I'd want you to be with your sister. I hope and pray, and hope and pray some more that she will not forget you. But how could you forget your best friend.

In other news, I've been feeling rather miserable lately. This morning, after once again starting off the day with a bad attitude, this quote came to mind, "Adversity is inevitable, misery is optional." You mean to say I choose to be miserable? Why would anyone choose that? I don't know, but I do know that if you don't already have in mind how you'll be/act in certain situations, misery will gladly step in. Like drugs...if you don't already have your mind set to just say no, then you're going to have a harder time when the situation presents itself.

So it is with adversity, if you don't have your mind set to be at least positive (if not happy), then misery and pessimism will step in by default every time.

Also, you can't just pray for something and expect it to happen, you gotta give it your all first. I've been finding myself praying to be filled with compassion and Christlike love and then go on like before expecting something to change. God can't make us do anything, we have free agency. I'm miserable because of the choices I make. Even though I'm in a very undesirable circumstance, I can still choose to be happy. Misery is optional. I also saw something else along with that quote somewhere that said "The enemy will never attack where you are strongest...He will attack where you are weakest. If you do not know your weakest point, be certain, your enemy will." I'm for certain that satan knows my weaknesses better than I do, that's why I've been miserable.....misery likes company and he's about as miserable as they come.

As I read and search the scriptures and the church site, I realize how much there is to learn! I probably haven't even covered 1/4 of it all. I keep coming across some great talks and books and am so grateful for the inspired words as they help me so much.

Thanks for being patient with me as I vent and share some thoughts (no matter how unorganized) that are on my mind. I hope I don't sound too ridiculous and hope that I don't come across as sounding like I've got this all down pat....it's more like I'm sharing things that I realize I need to work harder at, and will need to continue trying each and every day. It's taken me almost a week to write you again....I don't want my thoughts coming out more depressing and jumbled than they probably already are.

I think of you always baby girl. After this morning, it was a pretty good day and I'm feeling more hope and more love. I'm feeling happy. I hope you know how much I love you.

Love,

mama

Bring it on

Sweet Mikkie,

Mikkie, I miss you terribly. Last night, after an extremely stressful day, I sat in your room by your crib for the first time. I don't know if it helped, but the agonizing pain flooded back and I was longing to hold you in my arms and caress your little body as I soothe you to sleep. I can't describe what I felt in words, it can only be explained through experience. I'm honestly surprised I haven't died from a broken heart by now.

My eyes are weirdin' out again. When I'm under extreme stress, my eyes dilate and I experience a weird phenomenon where everything seems smaller than it is. I've had it happen several times within the past few years. It's so weird.

I think there's only so many tears a human can produce, pain they can experience, trials they can bear....before you just feel like "What is the point?" Me and several people I know have come very close to that threshold. That's when you cling on to what you know to be true and just hope. Hope is all you can do. Hope that some miracle will come along, hope that the ratio will be evened out between the good and bad, the happy and sad. Hope that the future will be better and brighter. During several of my darker days, the quote "When things become more than you can stand, kneel" came to mind. You come to the point where you think, "Ok, I give up. I can't do this anymore, it's your turn, God. I'm completely and utterly helpless and I need Thy help. I cannot and do not want to do this alone."

During the midst of all these trials, that keep hitting one after another, day by day, you get kind of tired of crying, you've hit your threshold and like the talk I mentioned earlier "Come what may" said..you just have to learn to laugh. Yea people will probably think you've gone crazy, but then who really cares what anyone thinks, right? I used to care a great deal, daddy thought I cared too much what people thought of me. Now I know the only opinion that matters now and will ever matter is God's. Maybe He's been trying to help me change my focus....focus on pleasing Him, making Him happy, focus on serving others which really is serving Him. "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these, my brethren, ye have done it unto me." I remember having an FHE lesson one time about that scripture. Your Grandma had all of us draw a picture of someone we don't really like (I won't say what mine was, cuz it doesn't even matter anymore) and we put the picture up on a board and got the dart gun out, blew darts at the picture and all laughed finding it secretly thrilling. Then came the big clincher. My mom took off all the pictures, and the paper from the board. Behind the paper was a picture of Jesus with all these holes in it. We just stared and immediately got the point as she read that scripture. How extremely wretched it is to know that every time we do or say something unkind to another person, we are really offending our Savior. That leads me into a whole other bunch of thoughts on service. But let me get back on track with what I was saying earlier...learn to laugh. I could use a lot more of that. I've turned on some Brian Regan and did that ever help. It feels so good to laugh! If something else hard comes along, I am going to laugh in its face and say, "Bring it on!" Your Grandpa would say "B.o.h.i.c.a...... Bend over here it comes again". :) Everyone has their own little saying, mine is Bring it on. If God thinks I can do it, then I just put my trust in Him and do all I can.

When I need a laugh and something to make me smile, I look back at all the cute, precious movies we have of you that I will treasure always! This one in particular hits my funny bone. I think your mom was a little slap happy that day and I'm sorry we used you as our source of entertainment this way. But you gotta admit, it's a little funny....you were laughing so it had to be funny, right! :)

I love you Mikkie baby!

Love, your mom who will learn to laugh during the hard times, saying Bring it on!

Tear Soup

Dear Mikkie,

I haven't played the piano much since you've been gone, but I played a lot yesterday. As I opened the book, some crinkled sheet music fell out and I immediately thought of you. I slowly learned my lesson to put the sheets on top of the piano instead of the bench, as you would come along, scrunch them in your tiny hands and take off. If I didn't take them away right then, they'd be history. The same with books, which is right next to the piano. If you were left alone with those books you'd shred them to nothin. All in that whole second I opened the piano book, all those memories flooded my mind. I'm glad they did. Most of them make me smile and laugh. You truly were a shining star in my life and always made me happy.

I just read a short book a friend gave me called, "Tear Soup". It shared some interesting, neat and surprising insight. One thing that surprised me the most was when it said

"Even some of Grandy's friends hurried past her house and pretended not to notice the aroma of tear soup coming through her open door. Grandy found that most people can tolerate only a cup of someone else's tear soup. The giant bowl, where she could repeatedly share her sadness in great detail, was left for a few willing friends."

Daddy and I can see that too. There have been times where I walk away not able to control my tears, and only a few follow to comfort me. Some just can't handle another's sorrow. Why does crying make some people uncomfortable? I just don't get it. Do you? You probably have a much better understanding than I do. I'm not saying everyone has to cry along with me all the time, but a thoughtful ear, a hug or just a knowing look.

"Don't assume because your friend is having a good day that it means they are over their loss." Sometimes I feel I have to show I'm sad to let people know I'm still grieving. I can tell which people really care and which ones just pretend to not know, as if I'm supposed to recover from this already. Even though I find much comfort in the knowledge I have, I will always feel the pain of not having you here with me.

I'm so grateful to have the few people who are still listening, not caring whether I cry, scream or laugh, they know I'm always hurting either way. Even if there was no one here that cared, I know that there's always at least one whom I can count on to be there for me, my Heavenly Father. Even if I'm not saying it out loud, He can hear me. That's the ultimate friend, one who can know what you are thinking without having to say it.

I love you and I'm sorry sometimes you don't hear from me for days. It does not mean at all that I'm not thinking of you; I am always thinking of you.

Love always,

mommy

A little unbearable

Dear Mikkie angel,

I know I say I'm going to be strong, I'm trying, but tonight the pain is a little unbearable. My heart aches. I just watched a beautiful movie (and true story) called "Letters to God" and sobbed uncontrollably. It shared a lot of neat thoughts. One thing that stuck out to me was when a man told the little boy (who's suffering brain cancer) that God hand-picked him, that he was one of His warriors. I thought that was so sweet. I'm not sure how that would relate to this situation....I'm definitely not a warrior, and I still don't feel I'm as strong as God would believe me to be.

We went to Costco today and we put Faith in the cart, and just like last time she asked pointing next to her, "Is this Mikkie's seat?" My heart sank. I nod and gently tell her "Yes, sweetie, this is Mikkie's spot." I always loved the carts at Costco because they were two-seaters, I didn't have to put Faith in with the groceries in back. I miss playing with you in the cart, making funny faces, and hearing you laugh causing others around to turn and adore you. One time a sweet old man asked "Now, what aisle can I get these sweeties on?" pointing to you two. I said, "Sorry sir, they are one-of-a-kind." You are. You are irreplaceable and you will always have a special place in my heart...after all, you did take a piece of it with you when you left. A big piece.

I am going to need extra strength and comfort tonight, sweetheart. Strange enough, I'm already starting to feel better as I'm finishing this. It's amazing what happens when you take time to think and ponder. I'm glad I'm writing these letters to you. I know you're reading them, and they are really helping me sort through my feelings and it just feels good to talk to you and to talk of you.

Until next time baby girl of mine....

Love,

your mommy

Focal point

My sweet Mikkie,

Yesterday was hard for your daddy, and I was a little more solemn than I expected. It's been exactly a month ago yesterday since you left us. It's hard to believe. I'm grateful though, that time is being gracious enough to pass by so quickly. Each day that passes is a day closer to being with you.

Your daddy was crying thinking back on that dreadful day. We usually ping pong emotions where one of us is strong while the other is struggling a little more. I think it's good that way so that there's at least one of us to help lift the other. A thought came to me and I told him, "as hard as it is, we can't think of that; instead let's think of when she was living and focus on being reunited with her." I said:

You know when you're in labor and you usually have something to focus on to help get you through.....well, of course not, I'm the one that went through the labor, not you :), but the point is I had a focal point in my mind, something happy to focus on to help keep my mind off things. My focal point each time was imagining holding and hugging my little baby in my arms. That made me happy and motivated me to continue on and work even harder to get them here. We need to do the same thing now....focus on seeing our Mikkie, holding and hugging her in our arms again, which will strengthen and motivate us to work even harder to get back to her. We need to keep that focus.

Your daddy agreed and it seemed to comfort him. It comforted me too. I absolutely cannot lose that focus.

I think all the stress on my body is finally added up and taking its toll on me, I'm extremely worn out. My mind is a little fuddled tonight so I hope this letter makes a little sense. I will go to bed now with this image fresh in my mind.....hugging and holding you tight. I can't wait.

I love you my baby angel!

Love,

your mama, who, even though can't focus on what to write, will focus on our sweet reunion

Never, ever give up!

My dear Mikkie,

All it took was a little attention to the thoughts bombarding my mind, and it invited in the feelings of anger, guilt/blame, jealousy, bitterness, envy and hate. I have been plagued with those the most this past weekend. I was in the depths of despair. The best way I can describe it was I was trapped inside a shell with my own guilt, hate and pity, and the only person who could get me out was myself. But as soon as I tried, some unseen forces would drag me back down. I was trapped, I felt utterly alone and helpless. My spirit knew what I should be doing--which is why I still prayed and read good things.... but my natural man would take what I was doing and twist it into something that would make me angry all over again, it was a vicious cycle.

I hated people who had spiritual experiences, testimony builders, I envied anyone who still has all their children, I blamed myself, your daddy and even God.

Tonight I took my anger down to the punching bag and knocked the living daylights out of it. I literally knocked its bolt right out of the ceiling and it fell to the ground. So did I. Right then I made a decision. All it took was one little change of course in my decisions; and I made a decision to do this God's way. The other way just brings you untold agony, misery and darkness. Then the tears came. I was exhausted in every way possible. I begged God to take this away from me and begged for His forgiveness. Mikkie, I begged for your forgiveness as well, I'm sorry if I caused you any sorrow.

I then had a thought.... God was with me all the way through this, He never left me. God never leaves us, we turn our backs on Him. He was there reaching down to me, all I had to do was reach up to Him. I can't tell you how great (for a lack of a better word) that felt, to know that Heavenly Father loves me that much to never give up on me and to not scold, but welcome me lovingly with open arms when I turn back to Him.

Mikkie angel, I know you are in good hands. I know you are well. I know that everything will be alright. No matter what happens in this life, I know that if I continue to live worthily, I will be able to be in God's presence again, and be reunited with you, my sweet baby. I just have to keep trying my best, that's all God wants...is for us to keep trying! We can never, ever give up, for He will never, ever give up on us.

I have been filled with a renewed hope and strength than ever before, I can't begin to even express my gratitude to my Father in Heaven.

This has been one of my very favorite pictures of all times, ever since I got it back in Seminary days. :) It hits closer to home right now. I've felt like the frog that's about to be engulfed by it's predator...just strangle it and show it who's boss and it won't get the better of you. :)

With all my heart, I love you Mikkie!

Love,

your mom, who will never, EVER give up!

Come what may.....

Sweet Mikkie,

Faith saw a helicopter today and ran out as fast as she could shouting "Look, Helicopter! I miss my Mikkie, I miss my Mikkie." Your sister loves you very much. I feel bad I haven't really paid much attention to how she's dealing with this, I just assume she's ok, that she doesn't really know what's going on. I think she knows a lot more than we give her credit for. She's been asking about you more lately.

I see you in her. When I play with her, I see you running next to her. When I bathe her, I see you next to her drinking the bath water which always made me cringe. When I give her a treat, I see you running up behind with your squatty legs, begging for the same thing. When I look in the rearview mirror at her, I see you, sitting next to her playing peek-a-boo and giggling. When I look into her blue eyes, I see your amazing blue eyes radiantly glowing with a brightness that could penetrate the darkest of places. When I put her to bed, I see you, bouncing around in your crib and shaking your bottle upside down getting milk all over the carpet. You are such a silly girl....you take after your mommy. :)

To say this has been hard is an understatement. But I'm comforted when I read inspiring talks such as this one I'm about to share. Even though I still don't have a perfect understanding of things, it helps me to feel a peace. I picked out some lines from the talk that stuck out most to me.

Come what may and love it

by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

"If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.

You may feel singled out when adversity enters your life. You shake your head and wonder, “Why me?”

But the dial on the wheel of sorrow eventually points to each of us. At one time or another, everyone must experience sorrow. No one is exempt.

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.”

The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.

One of the blessings of the gospel is the knowledge that when the curtain of death signals the end of our mortal lives, life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunities. Not even death can take from us the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father.

He who descended below all things will come to our aid. He will comfort and uphold us. He will strengthen us in our weakness and fortify us in our distress. He will make weak things become strong.

I know why there must be opposition in all things. Adversity, if handled correctly, can be a blessing in our lives. We can learn to love it."

I can't say that I love what's happened, but I'm slowly beginning to see that this can greatly affect me....for the better or worse, make or break me. The way I can handle it correctly is to get the right kind of help and support from the right sources. Our family (both sides), friends, our Bishop, the scriptures, words of the prophets, and of course the Lord, have all been a tremendous strength to me during this time. Even when my anger blinds me from it, the help and answers are there.

I love you Mikkie! I didn't get to give you a goodbye hug, but know that I am sending hugs and kisses to you every second of every day.

Love,

your mama who's trying to handle things correctly

Benefit of the doubt

Dear Mikkie,

Daddy had a hard time tonight. For whatever reason I don't understand he read some comments from the news articles about you. They hurt. The mouth is a slippery slope. Words are like a dagger that pierce your soul. I can't believe the lack of compassion of some people. They have no idea. They're ignorant. Just like in our ignorance of not watching you more carefully, they in their ignorance condemn and judge us unfairly in which they have absolutely no right to. No one has any right to judge anyone. Thank goodness the world is not our judge, or I'd be doomed to hell. God is our judge and He knows our hearts. He knows my heart. He knows I would have never in my wildest dreams let something like this happen on purpose. Even though at times I still blame, He knows how my heart aches and how I pled for Him to take me instead; I begged Him to take everything I have just to get you back, to do that day over again. But I can't.

We're humans, we make mistakes, so many, but you can bet a pretty little penny that I will never make this same mistake again.

Those people are really only hurting themselves. I pray, for their sakes and their own salvation, that they will repent of the damaging words they've thought and said, for they will be judged as they have judged us.

I'm seeing more now, how important it is to give people the benefit of the doubt, no matter how bad it looks. You just never know what is going on in people's lives. I will never judge another driver speeding by.....for all I know, they could be rushing to the hospital in hopes to see their baby one last time.

How nice it will be when this life is over. Yet I still have so much to learn. So for right now I will go to bed, hopefully with you by my side, wake up in the morning and manage to take on another day.

Helping the bereaved

I found this list via This Blog that someone had shared with me. I absolutely agree with it all. No one really prepares for this kind of thing to happen, and so when it does, most people don't know what to do or say. I understand what DO you say and do? I wouldn't have known how to help someone let alone know how to deal with it myself. So I hope this helps a little for those of you who are and will comfort others through such a difficult time.

WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE GRIEVING

"This is a list I will add to as I think of things that you can do for someone you love to be a support and friend through their grief. I know a lot of people just "don't know what to say/do" so they don't do anything. Not doing anything is the wrong answer. Hopefully this list can help you help the ones you love in their journey of Grief."

1. First and foremost TALK about the loved one who's passed. Even if it's uncomfortable at first, it will become easier.

2. If you didn't know the person at all or very well, ask to hear about them and learn of them through stories.

3. Don't ever put a time line on someone's grief.

4. Saying things like, "They are in a better place." Really isn't comforting. It makes the bereaved feel like the place they had with them wasn't good.

5. If you don't know what to say, just say, "I'm So sorry you have to go through this."

6. If the person needs to analyze the circumstances surrounding the death, let them just talk and rehash anything as many times as they need to.

7. Don't assume they are ever "better." It never gets better and will be a part of them for the rest of their lives.

8. Don't underestimate how frazzled, abscent minded & spacey grief can make you.

9. Pamper them if you have means. Retail Therapy worked great for me! So did pedicures and getting my hair done, I felt awful on the inside, at least I could try to feel good about me on the outside.

10. Love notes. Emails. Thinking of You cards. Thinking of the bereaved person cards.

11. Do not, I stress Do not get offended if your loved one doesn't answer his/her phone or return your calls. Don't assume that they don't appreciate your effort. It's just that someone bereaved doesn't want to put on a "happy voice." and burden everyone with their grief.

12. Most bereaved people will not offer information on how they are doing unless they truly feel like you want to know.

13. Validate.Validate.Validate. Please whatever you do, don't compare your loved ones loss to someone elses' "harder loss". Every loss is hard. Comparing makes the person feel like they shouldn't struggle because it could be worse.

14. The comment "but aren't you grateful you know you'll see them again" isn't comforting. It is not a fix all. It is comforting, but it doesn't take the pain out of not having them now.

15. Just make sure they know you love them. Be a shoulder to cry on.

~~ I have a few myself that I wanted to add along with the others that I found helpful:

1. I know sometimes I haven't felt like talking on the phone much these first few weeks, but have very much appreciated the emails, letters, notes, texts, etc giving me words of comfort or just saying they're thinking of me.

2. It makes me happy and comforted to know that there's people who are not only giving Tim, Faith and I support and love, but to my family and Tim's family as well. I'm grateful for that because I wish I were more in a position to comfort them and be there for them. So it's nice to not only share condolences and love with the immediate family but extended as well.... in my ignorance I sometimes forget there are more people than just me that are grieving over this great loss.

3. Instead of saying "Let me know if there's anything I can do" make a plan and tell them "Let me watch your other kid while you and hubby get out" or "I want to bring you in a meal, when would work best?" or something like that. I think that most people including myself don't actually let someone know if there's something they can do. We're stubborn. :) I know I am...I know there's people that can vouch for that. ;)

You kind of have to take control since those grieving feel like they're losing control and don't even know how to help themselves. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself, but that's my 2 cents on the matter.

Let me just repeat how grateful I am for everyone's love, prayers, support and generosity, I could not have held up without it all. I am tremendously grateful.

Life "flaws" by

Dear Mikkie,

This week has been so crazy busy going to and fro, I've hardly had time to sit and think. I've had time to think about you though, always. It's been more of a tough week than I thought. Right now I feel numb. Is that because my emotions are just exhausted and out of whack?

Some things feel harder to deal with because you're not around...I get stressed more easily and when that happens I don't feel like I have the strength to keep going. Not like I was more in control when you were here, but I at least felt like I had more of a hold on things. Life seemed secure.

I saw a fly today, or "flaw" as you would say. I could hear your cute little voice saying it over and over in my mind. I swatted it and expected to hear your little burst of giggles, but turned around to a silent high chair. It's not the same, but I'll keep doing it and laugh to myself because I know you would laugh if you were here.

I pray God will bless me with extra strength and that I will feel you right by my side holding me up. Mommy needs you. Will you do that for me? I miss you like crazy, it hurts.

Love me,

Momma

Routines

Dear Mikkie,

Some days more than others I can't believe you're actually gone. I still wait some mornings for our little routine to start. You start banging the wall with your feet to let me know you're up. Then smile extra big when I come in. Get so happy you pounce back down on your tummy while I pat your cute lil bum a million times. I lift you out and change your diaper- what a chore that was, you would never hold still; you were quite the little wiggle worm. You'd run around playing with Faith. When I start going down the stairs, you'd "tell me" (grunt) to carry you down. I kneel on the step and you jump right into my arms.

Putting you to bed was so much fun. Daddy and I tagged team, He had Faith and I had you. It's been like that ever since you were born. We'd give you a bath, where you'd like to take a little drink. Ew. I'd put you in a towel and if I didn't carry you into your room, you'd run off with those little naked bunnies around the house. I get your jammie's on and put you in your crib, giving you a big goodnight hug. You'd start to whine a little. I know exactly why. I ask daddy to throw me up a bottle and once you see it you start laughing. Confirmation that it is indeed what you wanted.

I start singing the song that popped into my head the first time I started singing to you, what reminds me of you. "I am like a star". You get this huge grin telling me you love the song. That makes me want to sing it to you again. I turn off the lights, turn on music, and as I go out the door I tell you "I love you, sleep with the angels" and blow you kisses. You blow me kisses in return. I'd then go help daddy sing your sister to sleep also.

Oh how I miss those precious routines. They weren't long enough. Some mornings and nights I'd rush to get it done so I can get to my movie, computer, craft, cleaning or whatever insignificant thing I had waiting. It can wait. Those things can always wait, they'll always be there, but loved ones may not. Time is too precious to rush these important little routines. They are some of my greatest memories with you.

I miss you terribly Mikkie baby.

Love,

your mom who no longer rushes routines.

Hope

Sweet little angel,

I haven't seen it in myself, or maybe I have just been in denial, but I've been depressed this past week. It's been incredibly hard and trying in every single aspect of life. I've been questioning and rethinking everything I've been taught and known for so many years.

I just saw a rainbow across the lake by the mountains. 4:40ish pm. Beautiful rainbow. I was at the desk reading, when I just turned my head suddenly and I noticed the rainbow. I didn't know if I was just seeing things like Tim was the other day, but as I got up closer to the door and opened it, I saw it, bright and beautiful. Just like you. It stayed for just a few minutes while I cried my eyes out, then it started vanishing into the clouds....vanishing like my doubts. I knew that I was meant to see that. I have been looking for rainbows ever since the funeral, but to no avail. Now, when I wasn't on the search, it appeared to me. Right when I needed it too. I can't say it's completely healed and cured me, but I feel better about moving forward with tomorrow, tonight even. I know that Heavenly Father is listening. I know you are here with me, my sweet angel girl. I've been questioning things I already know the answer to. It just takes moments like this to remind me and confirm that what I know is true. I don't need visions (as neat as it would be) or anything of sorts to tell me that what I believe is true. I know.

That rainbow is a symbol of hope to me. In some of my darkest, most sorrowful hours, God has given me a rainbow, and I thought of you. He has given me hope to move forward for another day.

Think, Ponder and Pray

My Mikkie,

Today was the first time I've been to your grave since the funeral. I needed to go. Alone. It was good for me. I hope you got the balloon I set free. Bright pink, kind of hard to miss. :)

I've been noticing something about myself. Before all this, I never really took time to just be still, to think and ponder. You probably remember me always having music or a movie on, I didn't like the silence really. I never got some good meditating time in. Since you've been gone, it seems like that's all I can do. All I want to do. It's forced me into a pondering mood. I think and ponder a lot. Most of the time I just feel like being alone and thinking. I love the quiet now. Of course turning on music here and there is good, especially hymns or your Uncle Dale, they really get the emotions going.

I think about my testimony and about my faith. I think about life but a lot more about death. I used to be so afraid of death. I never even wanted to talk about the possibility. I'm not so scared anymore. Death seems so peaceful and free to me now. I think of how you are resting from all your cares and sorrows, from pain and misery. When it's my time to go, I will welcome it, not fear it. I used to think cemeteries were scary and never liked going near them. Now, I want to be there every day. It's so sacred. So peaceful.....when the workers aren't there making racket with the weed whacker. That was a little frustrating.

See, I'm thinking a lot. The thoughts are just flooding in my mind, just as much as junk mail is flooding our mail box. Only difference is my thoughts are not junk. :)

I think about what my mission is here on earth. I think of how I can be a better person. I think of how and what I can do to make a difference. I think of how can I keep the memory of you alive. I think of the gospel and how much harder and devastating this all would be if I didn't have the knowledge I have. Then I think about knowledge...I know I have SO much more to learn. "To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge." :)

Alma 32:21 "...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."

I have faith that even though I cannot see God and though I cannot see you anymore, I know that He is watching over us. I know that you are watching over us. You are closer to me than I probably even realize.

Lessons learned

Dearest Mikkie,

I have learned a few things from this experience already. A couple of them are:

• Hug and kiss more often, those you love, a little more closely, a little more tightly, just a little more every day....
• Say "I love you" every second of every day. You can never hear it enough.
• Spend less time worrying about things that don't really matter. Focus on the things that do matter, a lot more often.
• Spend less time worrying about anything. As your great-grandmother, Lucille Harper, used to quote and has stuck with me since is, "For everything under the sun, there either is a solution or there is none. If there is one, hurry and find it. If there is none, nevermind it."
• Be a little more patient. With everything and everyone, including yourself.
• Don't wish time away. When it's gone, it's gone and you cannot get it back. Enjoy every single minute you have with your loved ones. I really like this quote, "Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." ~Robert Brault
• Forgive and forget. Life is too short to hold grudges. Forgiveness is essential and crucial to our happiness.
• Anger is completely pointless. It does nothing but bring regret. I hope and pray that you wil forgive me for all the times I've acted so foolishly.
• If you make God's will your own, life will be a lot more bearable. I quickly found that out as I realized no matter how hard you pray, you cannot change God's will.
• The things you find burdensome and tiring become part of the things you miss the most. Finding your crayon marks and finger smudges on the walls and windows don't bother me the slightest, but I rather wish I could have more.
• Live and love life to the fullest. I'm going to try so much harder to not say "I'll do that later", because there may not be a later, or a tomorrow. I'm going to take advantage of each day and not let time slip from my hands.

I know this is probably a miniscule amount of what I'm supposed to learn, and there's probably even bigger lessons that I just can't see yet, but I know I'm not going to know and understand everything all at once. There are still some things that I'm praying for a better understanding on.

I love you Mikkie. Things pop up everyday that bring back the pain, like yesterday when Faith saw a helicopter while we were driving and said with great enthusiasm, "look a helicopter. Mikkie's back! Mikkie's back!" if only things worked that way. :)

God's tender mercies

Dearest Mikkie,

I know you read my letter yesterday and that God heard. I saw His tender mercies at hand last night...once again. Faith fell asleep in her room without a fuss! She did come into our room at 2, but she slept through the whole night, as did all of us. That, to me, was a miracle.

Just like at your funeral. I know you were there, I felt you holding me up as I read my poem and throughout the whole day. I was amazed at how well I was holding up. Do you remember the poem I read for you? I worked on it for 2 days and wanted it to be very special for you. I hope you liked it. I'm thinking you did, from what happened afterwards. I'm going to share that poem once more with you, and now it will be written for you to always read.

I’ll Think of You

Now that life has changed and things have become harder to do,

I’ll look at the world with another view.

Each time I see a butterfly flutter pass,

I’ll think of you

How life can transform in the blink of an eye.

Each time I see a helicopter buzz through the sky,

I’ll think of you

Flying to Jesus to be safe in His arms.

Each time I see the rain falling down from above,

I’ll think of you

Shedding your tears each time that I cry.

Each time I see a flower in bloom,

I’ll think of you

Bringing peace to my soul and joy to my heart.

Each time I feel the sun’s rays shine through the window,

I’ll think of you

Letting me feel the warmth of your love.

Each time I feel the wind brush on my face,

I’ll think of you

Sending me kisses and blowing them my way.

Each time I see a rainbow across the sky,

I’ll think of you

Giving me hope to move forward for another day.

Each time I see the twinkling stars in the night sky,

I’ll think of you

Shining brightly to remind me that you are still here.

Each time I see your big sister, Faith,

I’ll think of you, my sweet angel

Reminding me to have faith that we will soon be together again.

I will never forget....at the graveside service, a short, 2 minute rain right over us, a gust of wind and a butterfly flying by. When we arrived back at the chapel, I could feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, shining through the car window. I grabbed your daddy's hand and made sure he could feel it too. Thank you, I needed that. I'm so grateful for these small, tender mercies from God.. I guess God really does know what we need and when, even if isn't exactly what and when we hoped for.