In Memory of....

Sweet baby of mine,

It's inevitable, your one year mark is upon us. There's no more denying, I might as well face it as best I can.

I have been thinking and pondering much over the last several months of how to make this day a little more bearable, a little more meaningful. There's so many days on the calendar that are declared 'national pancake day', 'national eat soup day', 'national cow day', etc; I figure if all those seemingly ridiculous "national days" can be made, I can declare my own, but not ridiculous, something meaningful. I want everyone to remember you, even if they don't know you, to remember what we learned and how we were affected from your life and death. After much, much thought and even prayer, the idea came.

To anyone who may be reading this blog and everyone else:

I've had many people say that they want to do something for us but they don't know what. If you would like to do something for not just us and in memory of our sweet girl, Mikayla, but for yourselves also, I invite you to such an opportunity.

I declare August 14th, national Forgiveness day. We don't know how much time we have and you don't want to live or leave with any regrets.

I know there are many things that I could’ve asked Mikkie for forgiveness for before she left so suddenly. I think that’s what made her death even harder, I didn’t get to apologize to her face, instead I had to do it to her lifeless body in her casket. Trust me, you do not want to have that experience…. Losing a loved one and not being able to ask forgiveness or right any wrongs. I know that doing this in Mikkie’s memory would make her happy. It's actually a domino effect, it makes everyone happy. I want her memory to continue to live on, I want everyone to remember her and the precious things we have learned through all this heartache and pain.

Throughout my reading and studying over the course of this year, I’ve come across these gems of quotes:

• Grudges sour your mood and ruin your day. Carrying a grudge for so long wastes a lot of energy that could be used for living life to the fullest.
• When we hate our enemies we're giving them power over us, in our sleep, appetites, blood pressure, health, and happiness. Our hate is not hurting them but is turning our days and nights into a hellish turmoil.
• We should be too big to take offense, and too noble to give it. Abraham Lincoln.
• You can't hold onto happiness unless you let go of grudges.

All of this is so true! What are we trying to prove by holding grudges? What good does it do us? Absolutely nothing. Forgiveness and letting go of those grudges sets you free and you are no longer prisoner of your hatred.

D&C 64:9 'Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to ^aforgive one another; for he that^bforgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.'

I for one, do not want to be held accountable for that sin of not forgiving, whether it be my fault or not, it does not matter, unless I make things right, I will be held accountable. If I do my part and sincerely forgive but the other person does not accept it…it is no longer my sin, and they will be the ones that will have to answer for it. So to me, who cares who caused the offense, I would much rather be clean of that condemnation than to prove who’s right.

Thomas S. Monson said in talk “Love at Home”:

““Give your child a compliment and a hug; say, ‘I love you’ more; always express your thanks. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of ‘what if’ and ‘if only.’ …

“Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey and share our love with friends and family. One day, each of us will run out of tomorrows. Let us not put off what is most important.”

“What is most important almost always involves the people around us.”

"We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.”

I invite anyone to take advantage of this time and in memory of our Mikayla, make a commitment to either ask for forgiveness or forgive another. It may be someone close to you, it may be someone you don't even know but are harboring ill feelings towards for something, it may even be yourself. As you think of someone, remember this, "One day, each of us will run out of tomorrows. Let us not put off what is most important.”

Take that name and either write it on a white balloon and let it off into the sky, or just think of that name as you let the balloon go. If you would rather not participate in that, but still want to do something special in memory of Mikayla, let some white balloons off into the sky. Why white? Because White symbolizes purity, cleanliness, truth..... I also think of heaven and angels, reminding me of Mikkie.

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Sweet Mikkie, I love you so much. "We will be together again soon.....I'll see you soon."

Love me always,

Mama

Service Week

Dearest Mikkie,

Just the week before last, my family did a service week. Most of us all read the book that I have mentioned before, "The Message" and were all deeply touched and inspired by it and especially the part where he talked about doing a 'service vacation'. Well we all couldn't go anywhere, so we decided on having each family do their own service thing each day of the week and then on the following Saturday the whole family got together for a big combined service project. It was a great week, I was excited. It helped me to focus on serving each day. Most of them were simple things, but most of the time that's all it takes is a simple act of kindness. For the big project, we all went to a city building who needed help with the yard. 3 hours we all worked hard, weeding, digging, chopping, shoveling, sweeping, and laying mulch. After, we met at one's house for a big lunch feast. We were all exhausted, tired and hungry and also felt invigorated and so good for helping out. I believe it was a great experience and I want to make it a recurring tradition.

A few things that stood out to me in the book about service were:

"When you truly love someone, you seek to serve them. If the people of this nation would go out and begin serving-first the members of their families more fully, then their neighbors and community, and then extended family (rest of the world)- it would do more good than any other thing that could be done."

"As we serve our spouses and children, we will love them more, and we will become closer. Our very hearts will be changed. If we will serve our neighbors and communities, we will break down the barriers which divide us and cause a peace and love to permeate our cities. And if we will serve our brothers and sisters of this nation, we can cause a day of Zion, a day of complete peace, to come. Such a day this world has never seen. This love will become contagious."

"I recognized that this message can indeed be a poignant reminder to others of the surety of the prophecies which have been given concerning our day, and the need to strengthen ourselves and our families for that which certainly must be. Also it can be a reminder of the incredible power of service and its ability to transform us as a people. Service is the answer to reclaiming our society and changing the hearts of us, as a people."

"The word Service has lost its impact and meaning, and importance. It has become a word that it almost trite. After all, everyone knows that service helps people. Everyone knows that service is good. It is such an old idea that no one takes it very seriously anymore. But it is a principle of truth which has existed forever."

"With service, unity replaces selfishness as each person becomes deeply committed to the good of the whole rather than their own self interests."

"If you love one another, Serve one another."

I can completely agree that service isn't really taken seriously. Sadly, I feel I've been just an example.

It was very touching to read about their 'Service Vacation' they went on and doing simple, yet powerful acts of service. Most of the family started out thinking it was stupid, including the teenagers (shocker), but after a while it was contagious and they were the ones who ended up handing out most of the "caring coupons" to people.

We don't have to go out and travel to do something similar though, we can have that same impact right here in our very homes and communities. We did and I'm very grateful for that experience.

Though I know my service shouldn't stop there at that opportunity. I know Mikkie, I've just felt like the more service I do the more I will be able to feel your sweet spirit. Service shouldn't be just a thing we do whenever it's convenient, we should be using every day to serve with all our heart, might, mind and strength. I know that as I strive to always serve others, I will be more able to truly feel Christlike love for others....and myself.

I pray that we may all be blessed to see every opportunity to serve, no matter how big or small, and act upon it.

I love you with all my heart sweet girl. Two more days...... be with us, baby girl.

Love always,

Mama

A testimony

My dear Mikayla,

I didn't get to bear my testimony in church today, partly because I was feeling light headed and did not want to trip in my high heels, and partly because I'm pretty emotionally unstable. They might've thought I was quite the nut case. :)

My heart is very heavy. Full of pain and full of gratitude at the same time. I wonder how am I going to get through this next week? I was awakened with a realization that the answer is right in front of me and has been happening. I will make it through this next week and your one year mark because of family and friends (even complete strangers have played a role in giving me great comfort-but hey, they're family too, right, we're all one big family:) . I may sound like a broken record when I say this, but I am so very grateful for their love and support! As I have been getting emails, texts, messages, phone calls, packages, visits, etc.. from people lately I've been touched over and over again. I believe compassion to be a gift, a great gift at that, probably the greatest gift one can be blessed with. There are those who it comes naturally to and others who learn it as they go from other great examples, and some just don't ever learn it at all.

All I can say is I've never seen so much compassion and such love and concern poured out than through this past year. People are more aware than I think and it shows through their loving words and actions. I was alone at church because daddy didn't feel well, and this whole week all I could think of was that blasted place you left us at. It was overwhelming. Someone next to me whispered asking when the 1 year mark is, knowing it was coming up soon. Tears immediately filled my eyes. She asked how we were doing. More tears came. I think that answered her question. Someone else remembered. I was so grateful for that simple yet powerful example that we can have a HUGE impact and effect on others when we show some compassion and show that we genuinely care. I felt like she really wanted to know how I was doing and it made all the difference to me.

Besides that, the first and foremost reason of our getting through these tough times is our Savior Jesus Christ. I think many times, people just have no clue! No clue at all, unless they themselves experience it. It's incredibly comforting to me to know that there is and always will be Someone who knows exactly what I'm going through and knows exactly how I feel; that I can call on Him for help at anytime or just to vent my frustrations, aching, concerns, etc. To know that He is listening, and He does hear and answer our pleas. I've seen it made manifest by all those who have helped comfort me recently (and all along the way), I know each one has been inspired/prompted and I know God blesses them for doing so.

I know that God is aware of us, He loves each one of us, He loves me, Laura Harper, faults and all.

My Mikkie, I think of you so much, you never really leave my mind. I think this week will be the hardest time, next to the time you died. But good things can happen even at the worst of times. I love you so very much. I just watched a video of you and hearing your precious little laugh sent tears to my eyes and a huge smile to my lips. I miss your sweet face!

Love me,

Mama

Bitter and Sweet

Dearest Mikkie,

I cannot even believe it's been 5 weeks since I last wrote. I can't find the appropriate words to describe this past month. Seriously. How about, sigh. :) And there's still 2 more weeks to go until your 1 year mark. I can hardly even believe that. Actually, I don't want to believe it. Is there a belated phase of denial because I think I'm going through it. I feel as though I have my heels dug into the ground not wanting to move as I'm harshly being pushed forward.

People ask me about what's going on for August 14th and each time I give the same answer, "I'm still working on the details." Which is true, I have thought about it... a little. It's like I'm subconsciously avoiding it for as long as possible. Not exactly a fun "anniversary" to plan. So many emotions going on all at once, this oughta be interesting. I have no clue what to expect on that dreaded day. We're going to be sticking around close, definitely not going anywhere near Bear Lake or pools. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about that place. People say I will want to go back to that place eventually...right now I say they're crazy. We'll see, as of now there are no plans to go anytime in the near future.

That was the bitter side. On the sweet side, two days later on August 16th we get to find out the gender of our baby! I'm very excited about that. Can you already tell what an emotional roller coaster that week will be? As if life hasn't been already. :) Then it's party after party following that. So I will be keeping busy for sure.

As crazy as it's been, I've felt you more than ever. I've always complained that I don't feel you near. To which I've heard many people say that you're probably a lot closer than I realize, I just can't see because you're so close. I wished that were true but didn't fully believe it. You ever notice that things don't happen the way you think? Because you're expecting something totally different than what you're actually receiving. While I have been looking for something bold, something completely obvious, I've been missing the picture. I feel like I should be having visions or I don't know, some unmistakable sign that you are here with me. It seems like that's what happens with almost every other person I hear about, so I've been expecting the same. Nothing. Or so I thought. If I just take the time to let go of all pride and pretenses and any idea of what I think I should receive and instead have an open mind and heart, I feel things I haven't noticed before. Or maybe I have, just have been too stubborn to admit it, because it's not in the way I'm expecting. Does that make sense? What I'm trying to say is that for the first time since you died I felt your sweet, precious spirit right with me. There was no mistake about it. It's an experience I'll never forget. I believe that you are here a lot more than I realize. I love you so much my sweet baby girl, and I do know that you love me too. I know it more so now.

I love you my little twinkle star.

With much love,

Mama

Baby

My sweet, sweet Mikkie,

Life.... what to even say about it. Let me start off with a quote that I was just reminded of, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". How true that is! I often wonder how I can even bear to go on with life, even the simple tasks of getting out bed and getting ready. How do I do it? I'll tell you one of my biggest motivators is Faith... yes my faith and my Faith. :) She is a constant reminder of you and I just take one look at that sweet, precious girl and I know I have no choice but to be strong. Obviously being blessed with comfort from the spirit makes it a little more bearable, thank goodness for that.

What I really wanted to talk about is the news that has made me happier than I've been in a while. Knowing that this baby is coming straight from being with you just gives me the chills, I'm so excited to meet this baby! I must say I was paranoid and stressed at the beginning when I thought it was another miscarriage. I just had to put my mind at ease, so I went to a few dr. visits and come to find there was indeed a baby in there and it had a heartbeat. That put me a little more at rest, but then I knew I hadn't even passed the 3 month mark like I didn't last time. So there was more worrying, crying, stress and then the first appointment, heartbeat again. It was a big relief. The timing of everything with this pregnancy seems no coincidence. Had my first appointment on my birthday, June 14th, will find out the gender sometime close around August 14th(so not looking forward to or ready for this day), and I'm due around Christmas. The more I think about it, there has to be a reason I got pregnant when I did, it just seems too planned. Which will give me something happy to look forward to on each of these hard days. I see this as a blessing. What a more perfect time to have a baby than Christmastime. I have a feeling this will be a Christmas to remember.

When we tell Faith about the baby in my belly, she says "it's Mikkie!" Wow, if only that was the way to bring you back, that or flying back in a helicopter like she still thinks. Oh poor girl. I tell her as gently as I can that this baby is not you, it is another brother or sister and that they're up there with you. I wonder how much she understands of what's going on.

I was watching a video of you and Faith comes up and says "That's Mikkie! She's my best friend." Will this girl never cease to melt my heart? If it's the last thing I do, I'm going to make sure she does not forget her best friend, Mikkie. :) None of your other siblings will know you like she does, but you can bet I will help them get to know you.

I love you Mikkie. I pray you will be with us as we approach these tough weeks ahead. Or somehow get my wish granted of a Fast Forward button. Or just please let me know you're here, somehow.

Love me always,

Mama

Memorial Day

Dear Mikkie,

While the details are still fresh in my mind, I want to share this.

Yes, of course Memorial Day was a tough day, although the days leading up to it were more tough. Maybe because of the anticipation of the day? That's what our life is anymore, crying, crying and more crying.

Most my family came to your grave with us, which was good, I needed some support. It was very rainy and pretty cold, we had umbrellas out and shaking as we stood there hovering over your grave. I was thinking "really, the rain couldn't wait? it was just clear before we came." It rained and poured. As we were all there huddled together, a thought about the rain came to my mind when I heard daddy say "she's crying for us." I thought of the line in my poem/song that says, "every time I see the rain falling from above, I'll think of you, shedding tears each time I cry for you." And I couldn't help but think that maybe that was true. It wasn't until a few moments later, when the rain quickly dissipated and the warm sun came shining down, that I realized while this may seem like ordinary weather to others it was no coincidence for me. It was a sign. It was amazing how warm it got and then I thought of my other line in my poem "every time I feel the sun shine through the clouds, I'll think of you, letting me feel the warmth of your love." It was just too perfect, the timing and order and everything. Everyone there noticed it. Did that ever get me to cry. It was indeed a very special moment. We had all put our beautiful flowers down already and I remembered I forgot something in the car. I went to the store before to get the flowers and as I was walking past the aisles, I had the thought to get some bubbles. So I did. We brought out the bubbles, one for each kid and they all ran around having fun with them, including the adults. :) To me, it was a precious moment. I could clearly picture you running around with the kids, chasing the bubbles and having so much fun. You loved playing with bubbles, that's why I got them. Bubbles would go fast with you because you'd hold the container sideways, spilling most the bubbles, so that's when I started holding it and blowing them for you. It was far more fun to watch you chase the bubbles. As it was with these kids, at first they were blowing them, then the adults took over and all the kids ran after them. After the fun little moment, we decided to get going. Without further delay, it started raining again. I'm grateful to have experienced that whole special moment, especially with my loved ones, it made it even more special. Thank you Mikkie, I don't know what kind of strings you had to pull to pull that off, but thank you! I know that God listens to even the smallest of my prayers and answers them in His own timing. The timing of this couldn't have been more perfect.

I love you! I miss you! I love you!

Love,

Mama

Change

Dear Mikkie,

My heart is very heavy tonight. I miss you so much. Random bursts of sobs today, a bit on the unbearable side.

Change used to be a good thing, I would usually welcome it. Doesn't seem like the case anymore, I've had about as much change as I'd like and it's not even been the good kind. I like familiar more-so now. Anything and anyone that connects to you. It's weird, I don't know quite how to explain it, but it's been weighing heavily on me lately.

Most of our neighbors have/are moving and it not only makes me sad because I like them but because of my connection with you through them. Is that weird? Well they say people that grieve feel "weird" and sometimes "irrational" things that can really only be understood by them. Daddy and I have had the thought that maybe we should move since all of our friends are moving, but I couldn't leave this house. I would feel like I'd be leaving part of you here and that just kills me, there's too many memories with you here, after all you did live your full, short, life in this house. My heart just aches at the thought of leaving. So the only option is to move forward, taking life day by day, change by change.

My birthday is this week. I'm not really excited for it...I don't feel excited about much anymore, maybe sometimes but it's short-lived, it's not like it used to be. Obviously nothing is anymore. One big factor of my unexcited-ness for my birthday is because it is on the 14th.... that has become a cursed number to us, it's not the 13th, it's the 14th. The only thing that is remotely good about my birthday is that I'm 1 year older. Yes, I am now happy to be getting older, it means I'm that much more closer to being with you! Probably twisted thinking, but hey can you blame me? Time is bitter-sweet; we want it to go slow so we can enjoy and soak up every moment with sweet Faith, yet we're glad that it seems to go by fast because we're anxious to see you again! Ugh, I feel so messed up. Understandable seeing as my life seems to be going backwards....my kids dying before me, that's not the way it's supposed to go.

At least there are a few things in my life that will never change, which is what I'm clinging to at these times of desperation. My faith and my love for you (and all my loved ones too, of course). No one can ever take away either of those, I actually have control over something. As my faith grows, my love for you grows more and more and I just wish you were here so I could show you how much I love you. A big Mikkie hug would make everything right. Which reminds me, today in my first outburst, Faith came over to me and gave me a big, gentle hug. She hardly ever gives me lingering hugs, they're always short. You were more of a hugger/cuddler. This time she stayed there, not saying anything, comforting me with her sweet hug while I sobbed and then sobbed some more from her sweet gesture. She's my biggest connection to you, she reminds me so much of you, sometimes so much it hurts. I love you both so, so very much.

Love me,

Mama

Your sister

Dear, precious Mikayla,

Now that I talked about remembering, I'm going to write down these thoughts before they vanish. See, I'm learning already! :)

If I haven't said it enough, your big sister just loves you so much. I hope you know that. She brings you up and talks about you to pretty much anyone. It is so sweet and heart wrenching to hear her talk about you with such adoration. I have often wondered if she sees you at all or feels you so close she knows you're not really gone. I hear stories about some kids being able to see their dead loved ones and wondering why everyone else is so sad because to them they are still there. I have tried asking her before, but I don't really get a clear answer and I don't know if she's telling the truth or telling a tale.
The other day we were coming back home from Grandma's and Faith said "Mommy, let's go to Mikkie's grave, ok." She's never asked to go there before, it's usually me telling her we're going. I wasn't planning on stopping by that night but how could I not after that? Remember when I would put you to bed and blow you kissies right before I left your room? That has become our "little thing" and we do it, all 3 of us, every time we leave your grave. Faith is more than happy to blow you kissies and seems to be ok more with visiting your grave.

Something else I wanted to tell you; Faith graduated from Preschool last week! She got a balloon and when we got home she immediately told me, "I wanna give Mikkie my balloon!" while running outside. I knew exactly what she was thinking. She let it float up in the sky. What a sweet gesture, she remembers us doing that for your birthday. Before she would've been sad to lose her balloon, not anymore.

Faith can seem to always sense when I'm thinking about you, maybe it shows in my face more than I realize. She says either, "You miss Mikkie, mommy?" or "I miss Mikkie" after sensing my sadness. I can't tell you what a blessing she is to me and how much comfort and happiness she has brought me through all of this. I'm so grateful she got to know you as much as she did and that you two got to spend basically 24/7 together. There's many memories packed into that short amount of time and Faith remembers a lot of it. I love to hear her talk about you, or anyone for that matter! When people talk about you (obviously not the day you died, but when you were alive) I feel slightly as if you're still here, still existing. If anyone's more in tune about that, it would be Faith, she's not afraid to talk about you and that makes me happy. I see more and more that you can learn so much from a child, they're so innocent, pure and honest, for the most part ;)

Sweet Faithy is like a glue that keeps holding me together, keeps me sane. She is a blessing to both daddy and I. As are you Mikkie, you have been and always will be a blessing to us. I love both of my little girls more than I could ever even describe it.

Love me always,

Mama

Remember, remember

Dear Mikkie,

I think it no coincidence that the scriptures repeat the word "Remember" so many times. If it weren't so important, it probably wouldn't be talked about so much. I am a good example of forgetting things, and need to constantly be reminded again and again....really, we're no different than children. I was just reading and came across this neat example of how we can remember to remember :)

"While thinking the other day, I glanced down at my CTR ring and thought, “If only we would remember to choose the right.” Then it dawned on me that CTR could also stand for “choose to remember.” If we remembered our true identities and divine potential, we would make better choices!

Then it hit me that CTR might also represent “Christ the Redeemer.” What power and strength would come when we were challenged with evil or temptation if we were reminded to choose to remember Christ the Redeemer.

My CTR ring took on new meaning that day. Now when I think about what these three letters can represent, I am reminded that I am not left alone to face my challenges if I choose to remember Christ the Redeemer."

That impressed me. I have been trying to remember "WWJD" What Would Jesus Do, which would help me if I could remember. So I like this....CTR, Choose To Remember. I'm going to try that out.
There's still so many things I'm learning and then learning again and again. I wonder how many times it takes for something to finally get through to a person. I was just talking with someone recently about writing things down. Every so often I'll actually write my thoughts down right when I have them, I find that highly more effective than what I usually do: thinking to myself "I'll remember this in the morning or later" but when morning or later comes I've forgotten all about it or can't remember certain details and it's lost. That's happened so many times to me it's not even funny, it's so frustrating to have a good thought or idea and then not remember it, just that it was good. I think I've finally (maybe, hopefully) come to the point where I'm serious about writing things down in the moment, I can record them much more clearly then. I think of times, like your death, that if I didn't write them down not only would I lose some of the detail (which I much rather would've gotten out back then than now) but also the feelings I felt right at that moment in time. That to me means just as much to me as the words, being able to feel emotions through words. When I met, dated and married your daddy, I was grateful I kept a journal and wrote down my feelings then. Some of it is quite amusing, to say the least, but a lot of it I totally forgot about and am grateful I have the words to look back on.

I had heard in a talk somewhere that when we receive inspiration or answers and we write them down, it shows God that we're grateful for what we've received. I'm going to try my best to do better on that. I want God to know how grateful I am for the inspiration, ideas, answers, etc I get. It could be for anything, big or small, I'm going to write it all down and sort through and assess them when I have time. At least I'll have them written down when it's clear and fresh in my mind.

One thing I have no problem remembering is you. Even so, I'm grateful I have written down my memories of you and such in a journal I kept just for you. I sometimes have to rely on that journal to remember some things, I guess sadly, my memory is blocking out more than just your death. In addition to the journal, I'm extremely grateful for all the pictures and videos we have of you!! Especially the videos to be able to remember your laughs, voice, and sweet, fun personality. Yes they bring me to tears every time, but they make me so happy! Another thing we have done to remember you... I put up a shelf in the family room where we see it everyday, of items that remind us of you: sippy cup, lock of hair, certain toys, etc. Not to mention we have pictures of you everywhere. It's next to impossible to forget you. Imagine what would happen if I did the same thing for my Savior. I just had a thought that yes I'm remembering you....but am I trying to remember Christ? I realize that I don't have very many pictures of Him. That will be another thing for me to work on, getting the Savior in our home so we will always remember Him. I think that I would automatically think of you when I remember Him.

I love you so very much! I love writing these letters to you and "talking" with you. Thanks for listening to me, not just in these letters, but in my thoughts throughout the day.

Love me,

Mama

Bit of random

My dear sweet Mikkie,

It takes me a while to write you most the time because I usually have too much to sort out in the short amount of free time that there seems to be.

I'm seeing more and more how true that "grief is linear". Whoever has the ridiculous expectations and/or assumptions that people should "get over" the loss of their child, or anyone for that matter, in a certain amount of time is a fool and obviously has not experienced it for themselves.

Tonight was the first in a while that Faith came up to me crying, saying she misses you. Like my heart wasn't breaking enough already, that just about split it in half. What a sweet, tender little girl. I couldn't believe the tears in her eyes; I wanted so bad to be able to tell her "don't worry, Mikkie's coming back!" I wanted so bad to be able to tell myself that.
She now connects rainbows with you, she gets so excited when she sees one. Whenever it rains she's looking for one, like today, except we didn't get one and she seemed very concerned about it. I told her maybe we'd get one tomorrow, and if so it would be especially for her.

After talking to a few people, I realized that I would be more likely to feel you near when I'm serving and helping someone. That's when I remembered the goals I made. I have slacked this past month, and didn't even report for last months, I've let myself grow lax and idle but I am going to renew my goals this coming month and am going to put forth more effort. It's not just that, there are many more things I'm determined to put forth more of an effort on including visiting teaching, personal scripture study and more meaningful prayers. If I want to grow and understand more, I can't just try getting by with mediocre performance and expect superior results. If I am expecting great things to happen, I've got expect that God is expecting me to do my best. I know my best and I've not really been showing it but am resilient enough to try again and show God my best.

I know you helped inspire me with these thoughts, Mikkie and want you to be proud of your mommy. :)

I love you so much Mikkie. I've been hurting so much lately and will probably hurt some more tomorrow, that's just a part of life now.
I feel stuck in my thoughts, so I will stop now and hopefully it will clear up soon so I can resume my random thought process.

Love,

Mama

Unplugged

My sweet Mikkie,

Things have been so hectic lately, one thing after another. I’m grateful for Sundays, to be able to enjoy life at a slower pace for at least one day of the week. I definitely get more time to think and ponder.

The power has been out for a couple hours tonight. I think the last time it went out was right before we left for Bear Lake. Daddy and I talked about that day and how very grateful we were that the power went out. It forced us to get off our computers, tv’s and other electronics and spend some quality time with family. We did just that. Daddy and I didn’t know what to do with ourselves at first (how pathetic is that) til we came to the conclusion to ride bikes to the park and throw a Frisbee and play with you girls. It was one of the best nights; probably the last best night with you. It was good quality time with just the 4 of us, I will always remember and cherish that night.

Tonight we got to spend some quality time together as we went on a walk, put puzzles together, colored, read. It’s so much fun to be with Faith, even though I get pretty much ‘Mikkie-sick’ with almost everything we do; remembering what you used to do and what you would do if you were still here. It helps me though to hold her a little closer, hug her a little tighter and tell her I love her a little more. It’s ok to talk about you with her, I tell her how much she reminds me of you and ask her if she remembers certain things about you. We talk about it and laugh at some things that you did, you were quite the funny little girl, brought such light into our life. You girls light up my life in this dreary world.

Faith mentioned several times today how much she misses you. It’s like a stab in the heart every time. She said how you are going to play toys with her and all sorts of things when she sees you again. Like clockwork she asks if we’re going to see you again, making sure it’s still going to happen. If it’s at all possible, I think she’s most excited to see you, to be with her best friend again.

Sometimes I wish the power would go out more often and unplug us from the world, to get us away from the “blue screens” and focus on spending good quality time together. It’s these types of days that I remember most after all; they’re the most memorable.

I don't know about you, but I can't believe it's been 9 months since you died. I am trying to brace myself and prepare myself for the one year mark. Wow that's going to be tough. As long as I'm not anywhere near a pool I think it might be manageable.

You, sweet little baby, are greatly missed and greatly loved. I have this incredible urge to hold you in my arms and hug you tight. Will you give me one instead? I love my Mikkie hugs so very much.


Hugs and Kisses,

Mama

Angels

Dear sweet Mikkie,

What a bittersweet day; roller coaster of emotions. Daddy and I had a really good cry together as we watched home videos of you. I miss you and ache for you so very much. Then I think how blessed I am that we still have Faith. You are my heavenly angel while she is my earthly angel, I love you both beyond comprehension and count myself extremely honored and blessed to be your mom.

Four years ago I became a mommy, and 20 months after that I became a mommy twice, I thought I was going to explode with happiness. It was happy with one child, but two....it just became magnified. I've never felt happier.

God sends us angels to help us, some are in heaven (like you) and some are on earth. Along with you two, there's another angel who's been there for me all my life, always, constantly there comforting, serving, listening, everything that an angel does. My mom is that angel and still to this day dries my tears, hugs my fears away, talks some sense into me, and hears things I don't say. She is truly a blessing in my life... I know I've quoted this several times, but I can't help but reiterate "Everything I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." My wish is to be that kind of mom. I for sure got the better end of the deal. You and Faith are my life. With part of my life gone, I'm hanging on by faith.....literally.

I just read an uplifting article about the Influence of Mother's. What jumped out at me most was:

"Mothers have more influence than they realize. Women are the leaders of leaders. Who has more influence on a man than his wife? Or on children than their mother? The word that best describes leadership by a woman is mother. Is there any influence more enduring than a mother's shepherding of her children along the path towards exaltation?"

I hope to be that kind of influence as my mom has been on me, the one who can correct without criticism, teach without guile, encourage without pretense and love without compromise.

My heart has been extra sensitive this week, as you've weighed heavily on it. How grateful I am for the angels in my life; seen or unseen I feel their impact. You are especially the sweetest angel I could have asked for.

Love always,

Mama

Rainbow

My dear Mikkie,


Every time I see a rainbow across the sky, it gives me hope to move forward for another day.

Remember those words from my poem? Well, I just saw the most beautiful rainbow just last week and couldn't help but think you made it just for me. It's the first one I've seen since that one back in Septemberish. It was the brightest, longest one I've seen and it was right up close, so cool.

I was just thinking today about how great I've been feeling this past week, and thought just maybe that rainbow really did give me the hope to move forward. This has been one of the best weeks in so long. I've never gone this long just feeling at peace and feeling happy; it's been great in so many ways, but most of all because I've felt the spirit more. Maybe it's the amazing books I've been reading (which I want to discuss with you later!), and just becoming more educated on death and the afterlife. I've had a lot of great conversations with different people about things and I just feel that what we've read is true! I've had a great testimony building experience this week that confirmed to me, once again, that God IS real. He IS there, He lives! He is very mindful of us and what we're going through. It was such a relief, because even though I've never stopped believing, it was nice to feel it!

There was a sad thing that did happen this week though, it didn't take from my peace, but still brought me back to the memory of the aching. A toddler had drowned in the lake and I just cried and ached for that family. I feel an incredible desire to help this poor, grieving family and be a support to them. I want to give back what was so generously done for us. I pray for the comfort of this family, that they will feel God's love.

What an interesting life! It's going past awful fast. It's already been 8 months since you left, it boggles my mind.

I love you so much! And if you did have a part in that rainbow.... thank you! I truly am grateful for it and the message it gave me.

Love me,

Mama

Who nose!

Dear Mikkie,

As I was going through pictures one day, I looked at some older ones of Faith and saw one where she had her finger up her nose. I immediately recognized this pose, as you had done the same one just a year or so ago. I went to find it and put them side by side and it totally made my day. I actually laughed instead of crying at one of your pictures.

The exact same spot, the same hand, same finger.... you get the picture. (no pun intended) I just thought it was too funny to pass up showing you. I hope it made you smile too.

I love you sweet, sweet baby of mine! Thanks for giving me so memories to laugh and smile about.

Love me,

Mama

Service goal #2

My sweet Mikkie,

Usually you don't have to look very far for someone to serve, there's usually someone in your own family or extended that needs help. Last month I focused on serving my family, starting with your daddy and Faith, I don't think I serve them as much as I should. Along with that we were able to serve others in the family, including going down to Arizona to see my grandparents and help my Uncle Dennis.
I'm so glad we decided to go when we did, because it would have been too late had we waited for our original date. We found out 2 days ago that Dennis died. It was a bitter sweet thing, when I heard he was having troubles, I had a gut feeling he wasn't going to make it, but I still hoped he would be ok. When it was confirmed he didn't make it, it's like my emotions linked the similar circumstances with you and I sobbed and sobbed. I was crying because of those feelings being brought up, and how much I miss you, and I am going to miss Dennis and also because I was so happy for him!
He had been handicapped almost his whole life, never married and had struggles all along the way yet he remained faithful and positive! I could just see him in my mind, walking for the first time in a very long time, feeling great, no more pain and being with my sweet baby girl. Yes, the sobs came again. I asked him to give you a big hug and kiss for me. I don't know if he heard me, but will you give him a big hug for me and tell him he is my hero? He truly is one of my biggest heroes, he has left me with some of the greatest memories and examples of patience and endurance. I had some great times with him. Tell him to be ready when I get there, because I challenge him to another thumb war. :) I was feeling badly that he didn't get to meet you, little did I know he would get to see you sooner than expected. He was so good with kids, I bet you two are getting along famously.
I can't help but feel something big is coming soon, with all these deaths and everything that's gone on. Maybe not.
Family means so much to me, I'm so blessed to not just have amazing immediate family, but extended and in-laws also. Family is where it's at, they are the most constant.

I must admit at first I felt a little jealous that Dennis is with you, but I'm so grateful for every breath I take and am able to be here with loved ones. There's not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for blessing me to be here with them, and them with me. Dennis is just one more proof to me that life is ever so fragile and short and we must make sure we are prepared at all times. I pray I may be ready to meet my Maker when the time comes. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to make it back to you, Mikkie. You can bet I am trying to do my best.

I love you sweet Angel!

Love me always,

Mama

Gone

Dearest Mikayla,

Daddy, me, Grandpa and Grandma just got back from a week long cruise 2 days ago. It was the very first time I've left Faith and it was hard for me. I missed her so much! I was so focused on how much I would miss her that I didn't take time to think how it would affect her being away from us, seeing as she has very little concept of time. She was in good hands but still didn't make it easy I'm sure, not knowing when or if her mommy and daddy were coming back. It broke my heart when I heard of the things she said, I felt like such an awful mom for leaving her and not thinking about how it might affect her. I didn't realize she would react like she did.
I was so very excited to see her! Even though my legs hurt very badly from my sunburn, I ignored the pain and ran in to see her and almost cried, I was so happy to see her. The surprised look on her face told me that she probably wasn't sure if we were actually coming back. I gave her a big hug and said 'I told you we'd come back to get you!' to which she hurriedly replied, " You brought Mikkie back?!" How deeply my heart sunk after that. Trying not to cry I told her, "no, she's still with Jesus, Faith, but mommy and daddy are back!" I explained to her that we were just on vacation and where we went and showed her pictures. I hope she understands a little more now. Poor sweet, sweet girl. I can't leave her anymore, I just can't do it.

Aside from missing Faith like crazy, the trip was fun and invigorating. It was nice to have a change of pace and scenery. I had always turned down cruises before because of my extreme fear of the ocean. Something inside me changed when you died, Mikkie. Compared to traumatically losing my baby angel girl, this fear was nothing. I told myself it would not be as bad as I make it out to be. And it wasn't. It was beautiful. I'm glad I went and faced that fear. There is, however, a difference between fear and trauma... I have fear of water, but the fear has turned into more of a traumatization? I don't know what to call it or how to explain it. I was fine being on water, yet I did not, could not, go near the pool on that boat the whole trip. The scent and scene of it all stirred up images and emotions from that day and I just had to get away.

Like daddy said, how we wish we could just go pick you up, if only it worked that way, there would be no distance too great, no price too high if we could just come and get you. It makes complete sense to a little child, I could see how it would totally be plausible in her mind. She always asks, like she's making sure the answer is still the same, "we're going to see her again?!" More of an exclamation instead of a question.

Though we feel peace, daddy and I cried over you again, it's almost become a weekly ritual. We both explained how we feel we don't want to let go of the hurt because that would be like letting you go. That's probably wrong thinking, but we're content in our ignorance for now. It's so fun to reminisce with daddy about all the little things we love about you and the cute little things you used to do. I think that helps make you feel more real to us, so the memories don't fade as much.

Thinking of you always, my angel.

Love,

Mama

Faith's birthday

Dear Mikkie,

It's been a better week. I've been wanting to talk to you about Faith's birthday. I know it was a few weeks ago.
Faith had fun at her party and I had so much fun throwing it for her. Everywhere I looked though, memories of her birthday last year flooded my mind. I could hear the pitter patter of your tiny feet running around, you carrying giant lollipops, smiling and giggling with all those people around. With all the rush of getting things ready for the party, I didn't have time to do your hair. It's fun to see it messy sometimes though, no matter what you always looked so cute!

You can see with all these precious memories of you and knowing that just last year Faithy was running around with her best friend having the best birthday, you can see why I just broke down after the party. It was what started everything. I had to focus on the party and be happy for Faith, so I contained my tears, but that can only last so long. Not good to hold things in, I end up exploding later.
I know Faith misses you as much as I do, she is just stronger and probably feels you a lot more than me. I'm so glad I was able to stay home not just so I could be with you, but so Faith could be with you and get to know you more.

I think of you always, my sweet Mikayla.

Love,

Mama

One step forward, two steps back

My sweet Mikkie,

There are a whole lot of things on my mind, a whole lot of emotions in my heart. I can see more and more every day that grief is not linear. I cannot expect myself to get better and better each week. It's more like one step forward two steps back.

I came home from church today not feeling particularly happy. Faith and I were sitting there eating our lunch and she looked at me and said, "I love you mommy." I perked up a little at that and then she said with a sad face, "I miss Mikkie." She is a very intuitive girl, she knows what I'm feeling, she knows what's going on. Even though that's not the only source of my pain, she can sense it. With a sweet hug from her and her hand on my face telling me she loves me, for a split second it seemed all was right with the world. I want to just hug and hold her all day, because I love her so much and because I feel I'm hugging you as well. I miss holding my baby girl in my arms when you would sit in my lap and cuddle.

I feel much pain most the time when I'm around others who remind me of you. Anyone who is around your age, who looks like you, does similar things as you, etc. I may seem fine on the outside, but inside I'm screaming WHY! Why can they be happy with their babies and not ME! What did I do wrong! The answer of course is nothing, at least that's what I keep trying to tell myself. I still bounce back and forth every week with feelings of guilt, shame, anger, depression, confusion, surreal, apathy, pain and so much more that I can't even describe.

I'm sure people get tired of hearing that I'm having a hard day again, but, well, it's reality and I need them to have a lot of patience with me. I feel more times than not that I have to put up a happy front for everyone so I don't put a damper on things. Sometimes I feel it's as if they have forgotten the reason why I feel this way and they expect me to be 'better' by now. It's not like I'm depressed all the time, but there are times where I just don't feel like being cheered up, you know? And hearing the question "What's wrong?" almost infuriates me. Faith was a prime example today of how to deal with me...to hear that she loves me, she misses you, Mikkie (validating how I feel) and a big hug. oooh Mikkie, this is definitely THE toughest thing I've ever experienced and I wish I could help people see and truly understand, but the only way for that to happen is for them to experience it themselves. I would never wish that on anyone.

I put up a "shrine" of sorts on our wall a while ago and I look at it everyday. It's different just looking at it and touching it. Today I sat by it, took one of your sandals, gently held it in my hands, and immediately started to ache and sob. I still can't bring myself to look at pictures of your small, lifeless body or think of anything that's remotely close to that day. I feel sick to my stomach and start to feel helpless and guilty all over again. It's better to just repress some of those details until I'm ready to face them again.

I hope I don't make you too sad when I feel this way. I really can't help it. I think you would have more understanding about how I feel than I do. I love you so much, my little twinkle star. I like what it said in this book I read today, "He does not take the pain away- to do that He would have had to take the love away I had for you, and that wasn't possible. Instead He wraps His arms around me and stays with me while I grieve for my baby." I would much rather deal with this pain than having it taken away along with my love for you. That would be unbearable.

Love always,

Mama

Service goal #1

Dear Mikkie,

This year for my goals I decided to make each month focused on service, which I promised you on your birthday that I would work on. I wanted to record my progress, experiences, etc here for you to see.

My determination and motivation for things have seemed to weaken over these past several months. I force myself anyways to work on goals. I think focusing on this goal in particular will help me deal better with my grief and put it to work for good.

January was more of a recovering-from-holidays month, it was quite depressing and painful. So better late than never, I started my first goal in February. My goal for that month was to check-in with at least one person each day. I didn't do too bad, didn't do real great, but didn't do too bad. The important thing wasn't for me to do it everyday, but to help me focus on others and not dwell on my pain and troubles. It helped me remember that I'm not the only one going through tough times. You don't even have to be going through tough times, everyone likes to be remembered, I think it's important to let people know you're thinking of them. I've personally experienced that over the past while, there has been an incredible amount of people outpouring their sympathies and love and it's been so comforting to me. I want to make others feel the same.

I hope I can be more into this month's goal and put more effort into it. I love doing things for other people, I always have, it's just not so easy to find motivation when half my heart is missing.

I love you sweet girl.

Love,

Mama

Endure

Dear Mikkie,

I don't really know how to start this letter. It's been a few weeks, tough ones at that. My emotions have been all over the place from one extreme to the other that I think I've come to a point where I'm emotionally numb. I hardly feel anything. Problem after problem, I feel like my nervous system is shutting down. Or maybe I'm just refusing to let myself feel anything.

This past week I went down to Arizona with Gramma and Tammy to help my Uncle in the hospital. My mom and I sat in on one of his physical therapy treatments and I learned a lot just from that short amount of time. When the doctor told him it's going to take quite a bit of work and it may be a while until he's released, his reply touched me. He said "I'm going to do my part. You know that I'll do whatever it takes, right?" To which the doctor said, "That's what will make this work is your positive attitude." Then watching him struggle to make a simple movement reaching one arm across the other side and moving his toes, I could see the determination in his face; a motivation that seemed foreign to me. When the doctor asked about his condition, he explained when he had his accident many years ago, the doctors told him he'd never be able to walk or talk again. He proudly exclaimed, "I proved them wrong." With a conviction that led me to believe he would be back to "normal" again or maybe even better and stronger in no time at all. In all the years I've known him and spent time with him, I've never seen him complain or be negative. Quite the opposite, he's always been a jokester and a tease, always making people laugh. Even with all that he's been dealt, he keeps his head up high. Even now as he struggles in the hospital, he sincerely thanks everyone for what they are doing for him and cracks jokes bringing smiles to everyone's faces, and I believe making them all better people just from meeting him. He is one great example of enduring. He is my hero, right next to my dad and mom.

I sit back and think of all that I've been through and still go through and realize I am not enduring. Yes, a lot of crappy and miserable things have happened and still are that just make me want to give up, and I've come so close many times, but then I think of you, my sweet baby girl, and suddenly I can't think of any other option but to move forward. I need to do my part, show God that I'm willing to endure and He will do His part to help strengthen me and lighten my load leaving me feel as if it's been removed.

D&C 14:7 "And, if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God."

It's my prayer that I will endure through it all, having a better attitude with more gratitude and less complaining.

I love you Mikkie.

Love,

Mama

Valentines

Dear Mikayla,

I remember a year ago from today we had a babysitter watching you while daddy and I went dancing. We got called early because you were sick. We came home to see you in your hottest pajamas, wrapped up in a warm blanket, laying alone on the couch and you were extremely hot all over. You looked limp, but nothing like the lifeless limp I try to forget remember a few months later. I remember how alarmed I was and glad that we came back when we did. I remember you laying in my arms while I brushed a cold cloth over your face without a fuss from you. I remember sitting by your side, patting your cute little bum, waiting for you to fall asleep. If I stopped any earlier, your head would pop up as if to say "did I tell you you could go?" I'm grateful for times like that, not of you being sick (which seemed quite frequent) but for those times which helped me slow down and take in the moments. I sure look back on them with more fondness now than I did at the time. A year later, here we are doing almost the same thing with Faith. What is it about Valentines and being sick?

Daddy gave me the sweetest gift this year. Remember that song he composed for me and played on Christmas day 2009? He finally recorded it for me and also made it into sheet music! It touched me. He's such a romantic sweetheart. He has a great gift and is very talented. It's one thing to compose fun music, it's another to make some that touches others, that's what this song does to me.I thought I'd share the song with you so you can listen whenever you want. Maybe it will help you think of me and daddy. We love you so very much, Mikkie. I want you to know that you are one incredibly special little girl and how loved you are by so many. Before you were born, I was afraid I wouldn't love you as much as I did Faith, but the minute you were born my heart grew a few sizes bigger and I just had even more room to love. I will always continue to love you with all my heart and then some. I just can't say enough how honored I am to be your mother.

Here's my song from daddy, called "New Life"

Tim Harper - New Life by timcharper

I'm thinking of you today sweet girl.

Love me,

Mama

Sacrifice

Sweet baby Mikayla,

I went to your grave the other day and once again felt bad for not making your spot more festive looking (leave it to me to feel like that, huh :), so I got a few things to put up and as I was looking around I noticed how untouched every grave looked. I know it had just snowed a few days before, but still, I wanted to make your grave look like it's been visited, so I made a snow angel right over you and wrote love notes in the snow. :) I hope you like them.

We've spent many hours this past week thinking of and remembering you. We watched family videos of you, shared memories with each other, singing songs that remind us of you, visiting your grave, making us laugh and cry just about every day.

Grief is an interesting thing and feels a little complex sometimes. It's unexpected. I can be totally fine one minute, looking at pictures of you or talking about you, not feeling the slightest tendency to cry, when the next minute the smallest thing sets me off. That's happened quite a bit these past 2 weeks. I can't control it, so I just let myself. Like my counselor said, "be patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel at the moment. If you're angry, be angry, if you're sad, be sad, if you're happy be happy." For a few days my sadness turned into anxiety, having fear of losing more loved ones, your daddy and Faith in particular, and that anxiety turned into anger, once again. Feeling like you have no control over something just frustrates me to the max.

Mikkie, I've come to see something. It dawned on me when I heard my counselor say a while ago, " People used to offer up their animals as sacrifice. What God wants from us now as a sacrifice is a broken heart and contrite spirit. He wants us to give up our pride and be humble. After realizing that, which probably seems like a no-brainer to others, I knew that all these fears, worries, anxieties, frustrations I had and the pride that came with it, I needed to let go of. My sacrifice to God was humbling myself before Him, coming unto Him with a broken heart and letting Him take away my pride. It's not an easy thing to do (although I sure do feel better after) and it's not just a one time thing. I wish I could learn my lesson after one time. Us humans make mistakes over and over and over again. The important thing is that we repent and continue to turn to Him.

Daddy mentioned something to me that once again is not anything new, but it's like a light bulb turned on and in this new light we could see more clearly. God does not take away our trials, He doesn't remove the load off our backs, He strengthens us so they become light. So for me to pray for Him to just make this all stop and go away, I'm asking for the wrong thing and I'm missing the point. My trials have and are continually molding me into a better person.

I feel I've become emotionally messed-up, I can't predict when I'm going to burst into laughter, tears, anger or whatever else. It's quite the process.

I love you sweet, sweet angel baby!

Love me,

Mama

Imperative duty

Dear Mikkie,

It's been far too long.

Our neighbor's dad just died recently and daddy and I completely felt their pain. When I saw the look in his freshly grief-stricken face, my mind reeled back to the awful day we got the same gut-wrenching news... they didn't make it. We truly could mourn with them, daddy and I cried that morning. No one can ever fully understand unless they themselves experience the same thing. It was interesting though, when I went over to say something all I could say was "I'm so sorry". You would think I'd have a little more knowledge of what to say, but I was at a loss for words. All I really wanted to do was cry, to know that someone else is experiencing the same pain we are just made me feel truly sympathetic. I may not have known exactly what to say, but I did know, however, what not to say. I'm keeping a list of things people say that make me cringe, and make sure to never repeat them to others who grieve. I know they mean well, they just don't know what to say! More often than not, a hug and a listening ear is all a person needs.

You'd be proud of me, it's been almost a whole month since I've last been depressed. I tell you, there is nothing as powerful as a priesthood blessing. Don't confuse that with not being sad though. There have been plenty of times where I still bawl myself to sleep, but it has not led to utter despair and self-hatred. I think it's safe to say I am crying more times than not, but it's evidence of just how much I love you. How can I not cry when part of me and my heart are missing. Daddy agrees that I'm struggling most. I told him there's nothing quite like a mother's love. I wonder if you truly know how deeply my love for you runs? Then I wonder if I know how much you love me. I'm still trying to imagine.

I went through my journal the other day, instead of writing in it, I went back to the beginning of last year and read through to most recently. It's an interesting experience to reread things you've written. I realize I need to do less complaining and express more gratitude. I had to laugh at the entries when I complained about life being tough...I thought to myself "oh stupid me, little did you know a few months later you'd be begging for these so called 'unbearable days' compared to what was coming up." I laugh in disbelief because I had no clue. No clue whatsoever. I do feel in some other entries that I've been inspired, and I felt touched all over as I read it again. There was one entry that stood out most to me at this time that said:

"Tim taught the lesson today in Priesthood and he shared a bit from it with me last night. It struck me. It was by President Uchtdorf. He said that it is our duty, when we’re strong, to care for the feeble; when we’re happy, to take care of those who sorrow; when we’re financially stable, to take care of those who are struggling. It is our imperative duty to do so. If we don’t we exempt ourselves from our salvation."

Wow. It struck me even harder than when I heard it the first time. We must take better care of each other. Am I doing all I can to mourn with those who mourn, rejoice with those who rejoice, tend to the sick, help those who struggle, bear up other's burdens when they are weak? I'm afraid to answer I have not been doing all I can do. That last part of the quote just screams to me the seriousness of the matter, 'It is our imperative duty to do so. If we don’t we exempt ourselves from our salvation'. You can bet I'm going to be pushing myself harder to do a little better.

I love you with all my heart, and then some.

Love,

Mama

Conversations with Faith

Dear sweet Mikayla,

I've been noticing more how much your sister misses you. She's been sick this weekend so she is extra sad. When I tucked her in last night, she was crying. I assumed it was because she wasn't feeling well, but I asked her what was wrong. Without hesitating, I heard clearly through her sobs, "I miss Mikkie." Talk about a dagger to the heart. It broke my heart and I couldn't help but cry with her. As I sat there and stroked her face and brushed her hair out of her face, I saw you in her. She is the sweetest little girl, no wonder why I'm reminded of you when I look at her, you're a perfect little angel. I love you both more than...more than I can find words for.

Today I was talking with her about Jesus and how much He loves her. Whenever I ask if she loves Him, she says "yes, and we go see Jesus too!" I told her that she's going to grow up, have babies, grow old and then we can all be with Jesus again. To which she exclaimed "and Mikkie too!" Yes, without a doubt, our Mikkie too. "Yea let's do it!" She says excitedly. I say, 'unless the Second Coming comes sooner than we think, than we can see her even sooner." I don't think she quite understood (or the play dough won over her attention) because she said, " *sigh*, let's just go take a nap, k mom." She cracks me up. I was expecting the total opposite reaction. That would be the easy way out, just sleep life away and wake up when its all done. :)

Faith was making a hat from some of her toys, put it on her head and made another one. I asked who that one was for. "This is my Mikkie's hat." So sweet. She is always thinking of you and including you. Did I tell you what she did on Christmas morning? The first thing we did was check out the stockings, and before she looked in hers she immediately asked where yours was. Surprised, I went to get it and laid it by hers. When we go to the store and there is an empty seat next to her she reminds me "this is Mikkie's seat." I'm so extremely glad that she is remembering you. She is helping me to talk about you more, to include you in things even though you're not physically here. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. Faith is doing better than me at including you in life. I think adults tend to make themselves busy more than kids. Daddy and I recognized the reason we've been watching so much tv lately is to take our minds off things; I like to forget about reality for a while. When I hear Faith say things about you and the things she does, I realize even though it hurts, I need to keep your memory alive by including you in things more, talking about you, looking at pictures, watching videos, anything to help it feel like you're still with us.

Faith has a stuffed animal froggy that when you press the hand you hear the sweetest, cutest giggle; yours Mikkie. Everytime I hear that, my ears perk up at one of the sounds that always brings a smile to my face, and now a tear.

I love you sweet Angel!

Love,

Mama

Compassion

Dearest Mikkie,

I can't bring myself to even smile right now, the pain is too overwhelming. I've been saying how glad I am to say goodbye to 2010 and bring on a new year....but the more I think about it, and as awful and heart-wrenching as it was, I want the year back. This will be the first full year without you and it's unbearable to think about. I feel so angry, confused, hurt. The holidays have been down-right depressing. Last weekend I just couldn't hold it together and pretty much hit rock bottom. There were only a few people I could count on to be there for me. The same ones that are always there.
It was that night when we were talking and we came to a realization how involved in our own lives we all are! We make ourselves so busy and are so caught up in our day-to-day living that we are completely blind to what's happening around us. I could be sitting here having the best day of my life, or just going about my day when someone I know(or someone I don't even know but could possibly help) and love is sick, depressed, thinking suicide, starving for comfort, starving for anything, losing a job or house or loved one or their sanity, or just plan having a rotten day and needs a listening ear. I realize that this world has got to do better! We have got to be taking better care of each other, not just watching out for our own skin. I mainly mean me. How do we expect our Savior to come when we are in a state like this. Realizing this could make me feel even more depressed, but instead I'm going to make sure I forget myself and serve others. I need to and want to be more in tune with who is in need of help or who is in need of a friend. I can't believe I've been so dense to not see this a little sooner.
Someone you know Mikkie, is having a very hard time and has not been to church for a while. The thing that baffles us is how not one soul has bothered to check in on them to see why they have not been coming or to say they missed them. Don't you think there is something incredibly wrong with that picture?
So many have lost loved ones recently, the holidays approached; you'd think people would know how rough it would be on them, and call or write saying something as simple as 'we're thinking of you'. I know for myself, I can count on 2 hands the amount of people I heard from. Yet I, myself didn't check-in with people I know are most likely suffering.
A friend of mine is sick with cancer and could possibly go anytime. People have the nerve to say and do unkind things to her. WHY is this, Mikkie, tell me WHY! No one cares, it seems.

I think I know an answer only because I recognize what's been going on in myself, I am among those who seem not to care; We DO care but don't show it. Why? it's because like I said before, we are so busy we're oblivious to anything going on outside our own little family, we're comfortable living in ignorance (what we don't know can't hurt us, right? wrong.), we're ok with mediocre, we simply don't make the time to check in on others, and we figure maybe they're just sick or maybe they just need to be alone and the biggest mistake of all, we assume.

Someone is missing from church or school or work one day, the normal thing to do is assume they are sick, or maybe out of town. I do this and think it all the time for everyone, and think nothing of it. Until last week when I missed church, one day after Christmas and hear from but two people. I was not sick and I realized maybe other's experience similar circumstances when they are not in attendance. Maybe instead of being sick or the other normal list of things we would think to assume, maybe they are in trouble, stuck somewhere, can't get their car to start and no one's around to help, or are home crying their eyes out because they desperately miss someone they love. I cannot afford to "assume" anymore. God wants us to serve one another, but He can't help if we don't make time and make ourselves available.

I'm sorry if I sounded a little harsh Mikkie, I just feel very passionate about this realization I've come to...and I feel very strongly that this is one of the answers to life. It makes sense when you think of the life Christ lived and the example He made; He was always helping others, attending to the sick and needy, healing, blessing and comforting. We need to take this more seriously and follow His example and what He said "Do thou likewise" and show more compassion for others. There's so many times and people I wish I would've taken the advantage to check-in with, including you Mikkie. Maybe not every time we don't check-in with someone, something as traumatic as your experience happens, but we certainly do miss a chance to "save" someone...whether that be physical, mental or spiritual.

Oh how I miss you, Mikkie! How I wish I had the power to turn back time and have you back.
Although this new year is bound to have hard times as we continue on experiencing "first's without you", I hope it will bring more happy times.

I love you more and more every day.

Love me,

Mama

Christmas

My sweet Mikkie,

Christmas just isn't quite the same this year. I've tried to stay strong through it all, but when we went to visit your grave, I just couldn't hold it in any longer. It is a sobering thing to visit the grave of your baby girl on Christmas. As I looked around at the other graves, you are surrounded by red poinsettias, then there's you standing out with your bouquet of bright flowers. You always did stand out above the crowd, you were and always will be my little piece of sunshine, brightening up life with your beaming smile. I can barely get through typing this without getting teary, just thinking of that smile makes my heart ache. My emotions have been fluctuating these past 2 days from feeling peace and joy to heart ache and loneliness.

I can't even imagine what your Christmas is like, being face to face with Christ our Savior. Once again, I believe we are the ones that are missing out.

All I want this Christmas is to feel you with me, as if you were in fact by my side. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't think I've felt you like your daddy has. It frustrates me as well as breaks my heart. I know you're there, somewhere.
I don't mean to sound negative when I say I'm eager for this year to be over. At the same time, I'm clinging onto it because it's the last year I got to spend with you, and as the years disappear, I'm afraid my memories will too. Life is already starting to feel somewhat "normal" and that's not ok with me. "Family never gets left behind or forgotten". I will not let you be forgotten, Mikkie, I cannot and I will not.

I've had quite a few people write me recently with sweet words of comfort and love. It's amazing to me how people, whether I know them or not, take the time to write such sweet, sensitive words. Every single one of the emails were exactly what I needed to hear to bring some comfort. I am extremely grateful to those people for letting their hearts be touched to want to write to me.
The following poem has been shared with me by several people. I've never read it before, and it really touched me.

I’M SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST THIS YEAR
I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars
Reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away that tear,
for I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.
For I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description
to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this time.
I can’t tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?
I’ll ask Him to light your spirit
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.
So please let your hearts be joyful
And let your Spirit sing,
For I’m spending Christmas in heaven
And I’m walking with the King!
--Author Unknown

Merry Christmas my Angel girl. You are greatly missed by so many. I love you more than anything.

Love me,

Mama

Death

Sweet angel Mikkie,

Death has been on my mind a lot lately. I read that this world is the land of the dying, the next is the land of the living (where you are!). For so long I've always thought the opposite, I feared death, but here in this mortal existence is definitely the land of the dying. I think why then do we fear death? I guess before, it was because no one close to me had passed so I was clinging to life and my loved ones, deathly afraid of ever being parted from them. Now I'm torn between wanting to go and wanting to stay, I so desperately want to hold you in my arms again and see your sweet, precious face, but thoughts of leaving Faith and your daddy behind is an unbearable one. So, I'm stuck here feeling like I'm in limbo, knowing I cannot be completely happy until we're reunited with you.

Another thought I had when I was talking with your daddy is this life is like school for us. We come here to learn and be tested over and over. The point being, we are in school, waiting to go on with "real life" like you :) Death is a new beginning.

In the book "For they shall be comforted" once again, I liked the following quote:
" The change called death is ordained of God and is a blessing to man. It would be tragic if men could never be released from mortality that they might put on immortality. Death releases man from his mortal existence and makes it possible his onward progress toward eternal life and exaltation."
I agree with that. Can you imagine being stuck here on this earth? Now that to me would be a hell. After I read that quote I really see death as a blessing.

Another quote says, " I care not whether I am dying or not; for if I die I shall be with God; if I live, He will be with me." I would feel the same way too if it weren't for my family... they are the only reason I care to be alive, well that and shaping myself up so I can be a better person. :)

This quote really stuck out to me as well: "The Lord takes away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."
I am indeed grateful that you don't have to suffer in this wicked world anymore, I should be rejoicing more for your sake. I guess my mourning is selfish then, more for myself; I'm happy for you that you are saved, you have nothing to worry about, it is you that should be mourning for me and the rest of us stuck here.

What gives me most comfort is "Death comes to all of us, but so does life everlasting."
Wow. Since death will be coming to us no matter what we do, the best thing we could do for ourselves is to get prepared. Make sure we give forgiveness where it's due, learn to love ourselves and others with a Christ-like love, make sure that if we would die today we would have absolutely no regrets. That's my goal, to live as if I were dying. Because, we are after all, dying a little more each and every day, getting closer and closer to the land of the living. :)

I will write again soon sweet baby girl, for I have much to say.

Love me always,

Mama

It can always be worse

Sweet Angel Mikkie,

Around the Thanksgiving holiday, I've been focusing more and more on what I'm grateful for. I am reminded that things could always be worse. I think I got it bad, think my life is the worst? I take a look around and realize how good I have it.

I want to share everything I am grateful for dealing with you.

I'm grateful for the day you were born. Even though you had a little colic, you were sweet as can be. I'm grateful that you caught on to nursing so quickly, saving me to have to repeat that distress.
I'm grateful that you were a pretty healthy baby.
I'm grateful for your smile, which always always brought sunshine to my soul.
I'm grateful for your laugh. What I wouldn't give to hear that precious sound again.
I'm grateful for all the "Mikkie hugs" you gave me. You were always so willing to give me one.
I'm grateful for the nights you woke up crying...giving me the opportunity to cuddle with you and rock you in my arms.
I'm grateful for all the times you've cried, so I could comfort you and hold you in my arms longer than you would normally stay.
I'm grateful that I got to know your vivacious, fun, sweet personality. You were so full of life and gave even more meaning to my life.
I'm grateful for all the noise you made, it's a much better alternative to the deafening silence.
I'm grateful for the time I got to be with you, that I was able to stay home with you and didn't have to work. I absolutely treasure that time.
I'm grateful that Faith got to make a best friend, to be with and play with all the time.
I'm grateful for all the times we got to play around with each other, with all 4 of us.
I'm grateful for the hand smudges and marker on the windows and walls from you. They mean more to me than I ever would've thought before, because they're from you.
I'm grateful to have been able to see you conquer many milestones, you were such a quick learner.
I'm grateful for the time we got to have with you, even as short as it was...it could've been even shorter, so I'm grateful to have spent that tiny fraction of your life with you.
I'm grateful that God chose me, of all people, to be your mother. I definitely got the better end of the deal.
I'm grateful that even though you went in the way I'm most petrified of, you didn't have to suffer long at all. I hate to even think about it, but I'm grateful that you weren't hanging on just for me or anyone. I'm grateful that you didn't have to be hospitalized and have it come to a point where we would pray for you to go just so we didn't have to see you suffer.
I'm grateful that you went at a time when we were surrounded by loved ones to comfort and to help us.
I'm grateful for all the pictures and videos we have to help us remember better.
I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation, to know that I get to see you again, and receive the honor to finish raising you!! Oh what a happy day it will be!

I remembered the amazing talk President Monson gave in Conference, "The Divine Gift of Gratitude" and these bits stood out to me:

“When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with a spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives.
We have all experienced times when our focus is on what we lack rather than on our blessings. Said the Greek philosopher Epictetus, “He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has."
We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. Someone has said that “gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.
The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. Love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.” He continued: “Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!

Someone has said that “feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." To express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven."

How true it all is! If I can only live my life with more gratitude; not just expressing it, but living it! My heart is so heavy yet so full of gratitude to my Savior. My blessings far outweigh my hardships, life really isn't as bad as I make it out to be sometimes.....things could always be worse! May I continue to give Him the gift of gratitude and in all things give thanks!

I'm so grateful for you, my sweet baby. I love, love, love you so much!

Love me,

Mama

Accept

Dearest Mikayla,

How I went through two weeks without writing you, I don't know. There's been all sorts of things going through my mind and the times where I felt most depressed (which has been more frequent lately) I refrained from writing because I knew my perspective was turned the wrong way. I didn't want you to think that I'm a complete hopeless mess.

I had all sorts of talks with different people throughout the week and I've seen an important lesson surface. I'm having a hard time because I still feel guilty. People can tell me to not feel guilty and it's not my fault until they're blue in the face, but it doesn't work. You can talk and yell and scream and try to beat things into people, but unless it comes from within themselves, it will have no effect. I think it's natural for any mother to feel guilt (they find a way to somehow assign themselves the blame, whether it's their fault or not). I had this invulnerable thought that if I had not had a bad attitude and stayed in the pool with you, I could have prevented the accident. That fed the thought that it was my fault, I was to blame. Well, it's not my duty to place blame on anyone including myself. Now that my perspective is bit more clear again, I see that I just need to accept what happened,; accept the fact that no matter where I was or what I was doing you still would have gone because you just didn't need to be here any longer. I could be more happy if I could just accept things. Your daddy seemed to have forgiven and accepted things quicker than I, not that it's a competition, but I don't know why I've been struggling as much as I have. It's been a harder battle for me to overcome.

I would cry out "I just want to know why! I just want some answers!" I remembered something I had read and highlighted in a book, "For They Shall Be Comforted" that said "He could give the answer to our questions, Why? but he refrains , knowing that our faith in Him and in His purposes will increase through prayerful searching...... He will hear our earnest petitions and in His own time will give the answer to our question, Why?"
I've had a few people tell me already that I probably won't get my answers. Maybe once I accept things the way they are, maybe after a little more faith is shown, or maybe not at all. Whether I receive them or not I need to accept what God is doing is for the best and in all due time, in this life or the next, I will understand.

Accept: be designed to hold or take; tolerate or accommodate oneself to.
We all live on this earth with this foolish thinking that we have control. We do not! I had to experience one of the worst things imaginable to realize that. Even after that more things happened and happened and happened; the sooner we accept that and the sooner we learn to lean on and depend on our Savior, then and only then will life be tolerable, because we realize who's really in charge. He's the only one we can depend on. I've been going crazy thinking how much I relied on my own strength and thinking I had control on my life. The only thing we have control of, which is utterly important and will determine the outcome of life, is our attitude, which comes as a result of our free agency. I don't think I really knew (even now maybe) just how much power we have in determining our outcome just by simply having the right attitude. Easier said than done of course. Bad things will happen in life, but life itself doesn't have to be bad because of it. It's all necessary and essential in God's plan. Accept it and lean on Christ= tolerable, happy life. Deny it and try to do things yourself= unbearable, miserable life. We choose.

I hate how all these thoughts flow through my head when I'm in the car or away from my computer or paper, then when I do come to write I all the sudden have a writer's block. You'd think it would be easy to write since these are my feelings, not some rehearsed talk or something. Well, whether my words are jumbled or not...you get what I'm saying, right? :)
I will probably do better if I don't let it build up so much. I should write it down immediately, freeing up my mind for more thoughts. Good idea, thanks Mikkie. :)

I have so much more to write, so much more I'm feeling, but that will come in the next letter.

I love you baby girl!

Love,

Mama